


and slowly, it's home.

by Idnis



Series: and in a flash, it's gone. [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sexual Content, and there's sexy times as well, let's see if I can make this softer, oh feelings are so difficult to talk about arent they boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 05:24:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11502660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idnis/pseuds/Idnis
Summary: Sequel to and in a flash, it's gone.Neil and Andrew need to deal with the aftermath of past events, but that's easier said than done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> umm, hello people,  
> it's me again :) I've decided to try and write a satisfactory, softer sequel to 'and in a flash, it's gone.' 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

  
Neil could see that Andrew was exhausted.  
  
Yet he stayed by Neil’s side in the hospital, and endured visits from the other foxes, Wymack, various doctors and the police.  
  
Especially the latter was exhausting, and Andrew’s voice sounded extremely tired while he repeated the words he’d said to Neil earlier.

‘I saw some guy attacking him, so I punched him to defend Neil. The guy lost his balance and fell off the roof, cracking his head on the ground. When I checked, he was dead.’  
  
At least they believed that Andrew was pretty shaken about the whole ordeal.  
  
The police asked Neil only a few short questions.  
Apparently his beaten up face was enough proof.  
  
When everyone was finally gone, Neil watched Andrew fall asleep on the chair, and felt his stomach do its little flips again as he thought about how much Andrew had gone through for him.  
  
Though it still pained him to think about how he’d behaved, what he’d said.  
  
And Andrew hadn’t given up on him.  
Well, almost.  
But not entirely.  
  
\--  
  
After a few days, the doctors finally told Neil the good news that he was discharged and allowed to go home that evening.  
_Home._  
  
So when Andrew was packing all his stuff in a bag, Neil grinned at him from the bed and said, ‘Take me home, Andrew.’  
  
Andrew’s exhausted eyes watched him for a long time before he continued stuffing Neil’s shirts in the bag.

Maybe a little faster than before.  
  
\--  
  
On their way back, Neil fell asleep in the car, still a little drowsy from the medication.  
It was already dark outside, street lights illuminating the streets.  
Neil woke up when the car door shut and Andrew was walking around the car before opening his door.  
  
Neil stretched his limbs and yawned. ‘I’ll get my bag,’ he said, but Andrew pointed to Neil’s bag, slung over his shoulder.   
  
Oh.  
  
‘I can carry it,’ Neil offered, but Andrew was already walking away, so they weren’t going to have an argument about this apparently, and Neil followed him slowly.  
  
He froze when they reached the front door.  
The last time he was here, someone had held a gun to his head.  
Someone had nearly killed him.  
  
Neil swallowed.  
  
When they entered their apartment, Neil finally felt like he could breathe a little easier.  
He looked around the familiar room, then noted that no one was home.  
  
‘Where’s Kevin?’  
  
‘Girlfriend,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Neil felt secretly relieved. It meant he could sleep in Andrew’s bed.  
Well, if he was allowed to.  
  
He yawned again.  
  
Andrew observed Neil for a few moments, then walked towards the bedroom. He kept the door open to indicate that Neil should follow.  
  
‘Andrew? Can we sleep in your bed tonight?’ Neil asked carefully as he entered the room.  
  
Andrew was putting Neil’s bag away and didn’t turn around as he replied. ‘Yes.’  
  
They were silent as they changed for bed, silent as they got under the covers, and silent as they laid next to each other in the dark.  
  
Neil turned to face Andrew, wanting to watch him.  
He liked watching him.  
  
‘I wonder if it would count as a hobby,’ Neil mused.  
  
Andrew turned to look at him. ‘Almost dying?’  
  
Neil scoffed. ‘No. Looking at you.’

In the dark, Andrew’s eyes still felt like they were burning holes into Neil.  
  
‘It wouldn’t.’  
  
Neil’s eyes dropped to Andrew’s lips. ‘Would kissing you count?’

Andrew was silent.  
Neil wondered if he’d caught him by surprise with his question, and smiled.  
  
This made Andrew respond.  
  
‘No.’  
  
It didn’t lessen Neil’s smile.  
He leaned forward slowly, touching Andrew’s forehead with his.  
  
‘Can I make it my profession then?’  
  
The sigh against his lips told Neil that Andrew was too tired to deal with his persistence.  
And maybe a little charmed.  
Neil would take it.  
  
‘Is it a no?’ he asked quietly.  
  
‘It’s a yes,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Closing his eyes, Neil brushed his nose lightly against Andrew’s before leaning in to kiss him.  
  
Both exhausted, their kiss was slow and quiet.  
  
When Neil drew back, his smile returned.

He saw that Andrew still had his eyes closed.  
So Neil closed his as well.  
  
‘I’ll get punched if we fall asleep like this,’ Neil whispered sleepily.  
  
Andrew pushed his forehead against Neil’s.  
  
‘Shut up,’ he grumbled.  
  
\--  
  
It could've been a quiet, lazy morning, but Kevin returned at the break of dawn, announcing his presence by slamming the door behind him.

Neil woke up with a shock, reaching for a weapon underneath his pillow but touching Andrew instead, who startled and punched Neil.

‘Neil, think you're up for a morning ru _—_ oh.’

Kevin stood in the doorway, looking at Neil clutching his side in pain while Andrew stared at the door in surprise.

Kevin recovered fast though. ‘Morning run?’

Neil groaned. ‘Andrew, couldn't you have punched him instead?’

Calmed down again, Andrew let himself fall back on the bed.

‘I will after 9 am.’

But then he would never catch the fucker.

Neil’s side was throbbing a little, still sore from the kicks he’d received on the roof. He groaned again. ‘Can't you leave us?’

‘But now you're already up,’ Kevin reasoned.

Neil glared at him. ‘Fine.’

He went to swing his legs over the side of the bed, except Andrew's hand grabbed the edge of his shirt and stopped him.

When he looked over his shoulder, he saw that it had surprised Andrew as well.

‘Want me to stay?’ Neil asked softly.

Andrew’s eyes hardened.

‘That's up to you,’ he said flatly. ‘I'm going to sleep again. Listening to you junkies makes me even more tired.’

And Andrew lay down and turned around, dismissing Neil and the conversation.

But.  
That had been unusual behaviour for Andrew.  
Neil debated if he should stay and maybe… talk about it?  
No, that would probably not go well.

Kevin was tapping his foot impatiently by the door while he waited for Neil to change and grab a small bag for his water bottle.

Before Neil closed the bedroom door behind him, he looked back one more time.  
Andrew's hands were balled into fists in the sheets.  
He didn’t look relaxed or asleep.

Biting his lip, doubting, Neil took a hesitant step into the room.

‘Jesus Neil, just go run,’ Andrew said, irritated. ‘What's the worst that could happen, right.’

Okay.  
They definitely needed to talk about this later.

Neil closed the door and followed an irritated Kevin outside.

What a great start of his day.  
  
\--  
  
‘How are you feeling?’ Kevin asked him on their way back.

‘Tired.’

Kevin looked at him curiously. ‘Why’d you come for a run then?’

Neil sighed loudly and fucked up his entire breathing rhythm.  
  
\--  
  
When he returned from his run, Andrew was nowhere to be found, so Neil let himself drop onto the couch and fell asleep immediately.  
  
\--  
  
It was evening when he woke up.  
Neil groaned.

Great.  
Now his sleeping rhythm would be fucked up as well.

Standing near the stove, Kevin looked at him, then said, ‘We're still training tonight.’

‘Sure, sure,’ Neil waved his words away. ‘Where’s Andrew? What are we eating?’

‘I don't know where he is, I don't look at him all the time. We're eating vegetables with raisins.’

Neil wrinkled his nose.

‘It's healthy,’ Kevin said.

‘I'm sure it is,’ Neil replied, but his mind was preoccupied with Andrew.

Where would he have gone to?  
The roof?  
Unlikely.

\--  
  
Late at night, Andrew returned to their apartment.

Neil had been sleeping horribly, so he'd woken up when Andrew opened the bedroom door.  
He blinked as he suddenly saw the top of Andrew's head in front of his bed.

Andrew reached out and tapped Neil’s arm. 'Come down.’

Relieved, Neil silently climbed down and joined Andrew in his cold bed.

Andrew's freezing feet were pushed against his, and Neil shuddered, but he quickly fell into an uneasy sleep again.  
  
\--  
  
The next morning, Neil woke up because Andrew suddenly sat up straight in bed.

His hand was grasping Neil’s wrist painfully.

‘Andrew?’ he asked sleepily, a little concerned.

Andrew's hand twitched, then released Neil’s wrist.  
But he didn't say anything.

So Neil sat up as well, still half asleep, and asked quietly, ‘Shoulder okay?’

Andrew’s voice was hoarse as he said, ‘Yes.’

Neil placed a soft, sleepy kiss on Andrew's shoulder, then leaned his head against it, his eyes closing of their own accord.

He heard Andrew exhale shakily.

‘Great,’ Kevin said as he opened the bedroom door. ‘You're awake, let's go.’

Andrew immediately tensed, so Neil leaned back reluctantly and glared at Kevin.

‘I don't like you,’ he said, but Kevin merely shrugged.

‘You don't need to like me. You just need to listen to me.’

What a great mentality.  
  
‘You must have a lot of friends,’ Neil muttered, but the anger was gone as his eyes fell close again.  
  
Forcing himself to stay awake, Neil dragged his body out of bed and grabbed his clothes.  
He glanced at Andrew.

Andrew was still sitting up in bed, shoulders tense, head down.  
His breathing seemed very regulated to Neil.

‘Andrew?’ he asked carefully.

Turning around, Andrew shot him a sarcastic smile. ‘I'm fine, Neil.’

Yeah, Neil doubted that.  
  
\--  
  
‘Why are you always tired?’  Kevin asked him on their way back.  
  
‘I don’t know,’ Neil said sarcastically, but Kevin didn’t pick up on it.  
  
It was a lot harder to sound sarcastic while running.  
  
‘Are you eating healthy?’  
  
Neil groaned.  
If it was up to Kevin, problems could be solved one healthy smoothie at a time.

‘I’m sure you’re concerned Kevin, but I don’t think that’s why I’m so tired.’  
  
Either Kevin’s interest didn’t go further than that, or he didn’t know what to say, because they ran the rest of the way back in silence.  
  
\--  
  
Again, Andrew was missing.  
  
Neil considered the possibility that he might be on the roof, and while the quickest way to find out would be to actually go to the roof, Neil found that he couldn’t.  
He couldn't bring himself to walk up the stairs and stand on the place where he'd nearly _—_     
where Andrew had-

No, it was too  
soon.

So Andrew probably wouldn’t be there either.  
  
It still made Neil feel hopeless however, that he didn’t know where Andrew had gone to. He should ask him.  
  
\--  
  
Andrew didn’t return until five in the morning.  
  
He looked like shit.  
But Neil didn’t say that.  
  
‘Where have you been?’ he asked blearily, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up.  
  
Instead of answering him, Andrew only grabbed a pack of cigarettes and walked out the door again.  
  
‘Wait,’ Neil said quickly, then winced as Kevin stirred in his sleep.  
  
Andrew stopped.  
But didn’t turn around.

‘Should I _—_ ’  
  
‘Go back to sleep. You need it for training,’ Andrew interrupted him, voice flat.  
  
‘But…’ Neil searched for words, but it was too early, he was too tired, so all he managed was, ‘Something’s wrong.’  
  
‘Isn’t there always?’

And Andrew walked away.  
  
\--  
  
When Kevin and Neil went outside for their morning run, Neil didn’t see Andrew anywhere.  
  
Before they could start their run, Neil halted. He took a deep breath and looked up, up, up  
until he could see the roof.  
  
As he’d expected, there was no one there.  
  
\--  
  
After a while, Neil didn’t sleep in Andrew’s bed anymore, because Andrew didn’t sleep in Andrew’s bed anymore.  
  
Running in the morning, training in the evening, sometimes hanging out with Matt or Kevin or Nicky.  
Those were his days now.

And while Neil liked having a routine, liked the normalcy of it, he didn’t like how not seeing Andrew, not talking with Andrew, had somehow become a part of it.  
  
It's not that they necessarily talked a lot in the past, but it didn't matter because they didn’t need to.  
They found other ways to communicate.  
  
Okay, that sounded a little sexual.  
  
Kevin didn’t notice Neil stumbling beside him.  
  
Yeah, anything sexual definitely hadn’t happened for a long time now.  
And that wasn’t a problem for Neil, not at all, he was more concerned with Andrew’s health, but.  
Andrew’s health had included an interest in Neil’s body, especially his lips.  
Something that also hadn’t happened for a while now.  
  
Neil sighed, and fucked up his breathing rhythm again.  
But that was just one more thing to add to the pile of things he’d already fucked up, wasn’t it?  
  
\--  
  
Someone grabbed his wrists roughly, painfully, and Neil shot up, waking up in panic.  
He searched frantically for any potential threat.  
  
But he found himself eye to eye with Andrew, who was sitting on top of him, holding Neil’s wrists in his hands.  
  
Andrew’s eyes were staring intensely at him.  
  
There was an emotion in them that Neil hadn’t seen very often.  
  
Relieved it wasn't anyone dangerous, Neil let himself fall back on the bed with a sigh. ‘Are you oka _—_ ’  
  
But he didn't get to finish his sentence as Andrew kissed him abruptly, shutting him up.  
And while Neil liked this, had honestly missed kissing Andrew, the kiss was too fierce, too abrupt, the hands on his wrists too constricting. He struggled for breath, tried to turn his head away.  
  
‘Andrew,’ he gasped, trying to catch his breath again.  
  
He felt Andrew’s whole body jerk back, felt him recoil, and Andrew quickly dropped Neil’s wrists.

Andrew held up his hands and looked at them in shock.  
  
They started to shake.  
  
Neil reached out, indicating that he wanted to touch Andrew, wanted to comfort him, but Andrew growled, ‘ _N_ _o_ .’  
  
So Neil dropped his hand.  
  
Somehow that hurt Andrew even more.  
  
Within a few seconds, he was backing away from Neil, climbing off of him and out of bed.  
He didn't walk away though.

Neil understood what had shocked Andrew.

Being kissed without his consent definitely wasn’t a nice experience, but he’d just been surprised and overwhelmed and anyway, it was Andrew.  
So it was always sort of okay.  
  
Except Andrew didn’t see it that way.

Neil had seen the self-loathing in Andrew’s eyes the moment Neil had said his name.  
The terror.  
  
‘Andrew,’ Neil said. ‘It’s okay.’  
  
Andrew was standing in the middle of the room, his whole frame shaking.  
  
‘It’s not,’ Andrew ground out. ‘It was a no.’  
  
‘What happened?’ 

The question floated in the space between them, and Andrew’s only response was to drop his head and ball his fists in anger.  
Self-hatred.  
  
Neil sat up, torn between moving closer and wanting to give Andrew his space. ‘Did you have a nightmare?’ he asked quietly.  
  
Andrew’s laugh was hollow and terrifying. ‘That’s only possible when you’re asleep, Neil.’  
  
Wait.  
Neil felt his blood freeze.  
  
‘Don’t tell me you’ve been awake this entire week…’ Neil started slowly, but Andrew didn’t contradict him.  
  
That  
wasn’t healthy.

In fact, that was dangerous.  
  
Neil climbed out of bed and moved so he was standing in front of Andrew.  
  
Even in the dark he could make out Andrew’s hollow face, his blank eyes with large dark circles beneath them.  
Whatever Andrew was doing, whatever they were doing, it was slowly killing him.  
It needed to stop.  
  
They needed to heal.  
  
‘What do you need?’ Neil asked.  
  
Andrew looked at him.  
  
In the silence that followed,  
their eyes locked on each other,  
Neil could hear Kevin’s slow breathing, the thumping of music a few doors down, and a car driving past.  
  
‘Let’s go away.’  
  
There was nothing in Andrew’s eyes.  
  
‘Andrew,’  Neil said again, refusing to be scared, refusing to let Andrew do this to himself, refusing to stand by and do nothing, or worse, to run from this. ‘Let’s drive, and go somewhere.’  
  
‘Where?’  Andrew asked, voice detached.  
  
‘Anywhere.’  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm yeah I know you're thinking right now 'hello that's not soft' but umm, bear with me,,,
> 
> I would LOVE to read your thoughts and comments on this!  
> Thanks so much for reading!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!  
> Long time no see! At least, it feels that way for me. I'm sorry that the upload schedule is slower, this fic takes more time, and also the chapters are longer... So I hope you don't mind!
> 
> Enjoy!

Trying not to wake up Kevin, which was actually pretty impossible Neil learned and he wondered what Kevin put in his healthy smoothies, they packed their bags with just a few necessities.  
  
Andrew didn’t look at Neil once.  
He didn’t even come close to him.  
  
It was still dark when they crossed the parking lot to Andrew’s car.   
  
Neil felt sort of excited about the prospect of going away with Andrew, because he’d been dying to be alone with him for a while now, but the reason _why_ they needed to do this was unnerving.  
  
Why had Andrew woken him up like that?  
Why had he kissed him so fiercely?  
Why hadn’t Andrew slept for nearly a week?  
  
So many why questions.   
Neil felt like he was at the start again.  
  
Except when Andrew held out his hand and Neil gave his bag away freely, without worrying, and most importantly _trusting_ , he looked at Andrew, who put it in the trunk and  
Neil understood why he felt so calm and safe.  
  
Neil closed the car door and buckled up, Andrew doing the same behind the wheel, but before the radio turned on, before they drove away, Neil said,  
  
‘I feel safe.’  
  
Andrew froze, hand hovering above the gear stick.  
  
‘I thought you hated my driving,’ Andrew replied.  
  
‘Definitely not as much as you hate me. Right?’   
  
Neil wanted to let Andrew know that he knew.  
He knew, and it was okay, and he shouldn’t hate himself for what had happened.  
  
Andrew didn’t meet his eyes as he hummed lowly.  
  
The sound already sounded like improvement.  
  
‘Right?’ Neil asked again, smiling a little.  
  
Andrew closed his eyes briefly.  
‘Very much so.’  
  
\--  
  
The car was driving fast, and soon the Tower and Palmetto were far away.   
Behind them.  
  
The gentle shaking of the car, the easy quiet, the comforting darkness of the night.  
It made Neil yawn, so he closed his eyes for just a second but when he opened them again, he saw that the sun was slowly rising.

Though his nap hadn’t been long, he already felt a little better.   
A little calmer.  
  
‘Where are we going?’ he asked.

‘Anywhere,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Neil hummed and prepared himself for another nap.  
  
‘Stop when you think something looks okay,’ he murmured.  
  
Andrew’s eyes darkened a little.  
  
‘That’s assuming I know what’s okay.’  
  
A car drove past them, the sound loud and sudden, and Neil sat up.  
  
‘I trust you know what’s okay,’ he said.  
  
Andrew’s knuckles tightened on the steering wheel, but he didn’t say anything, and Neil waited patiently for a few minutes.  
But nothing.  
  
That was okay.  
  
Neil would show Andrew that he trusted him.  
  
\--  
  
They finally stopped when the sun was high in the sky, Andrew pulling the car over at a quiet parking lot near a small hotel.  
Neil looked around.  
  
There wasn’t a lot here.   
Just loads of trees and a small gravelly path leading into the forest. The building was made mostly of some sort of dark wood, which made it look more like a cabin than an actual hotel.   
  
When they got closer to the entrance, Neil read the sign and saw that it wasn’t a hotel, but a company that rented cabins in the area.   
Neil let out a small sigh.   
He actually liked the idea of sharing a small apartment better than staying inside a hotel room.  
  
At the reception, he pulled out his wallet before Andrew could protest, and with yet another key in his hand, they walked back to the car so they could drive to their cabin.  
  
\--  
  
Inside the cabin, nearly everything was made of wood.  
  
‘Wood,’ Neil observed, which earned him a _look_ from Andrew.  
  
With both their bags slung across his shoulders, Andrew walked towards the bedroom and Neil heard him open the closet there.

Instead of following Andrew, he walked around and explored more of the cabin.  
  
It was small but comfortable, with a couch in front of a fireplace. There was a red rug on the floor that looked soft, and Neil wanted to take off his shoes to feel if it was.  
The kitchen was directly next to the living room, and it was small, but that was okay. Neil didn’t cook very often, that was mostly Andrew, and so far he’d managed in their apartment’s small kitchen.  
  
There were two doors, one where Andrew had disappeared into, the bedroom, and another that would probably lead to the bathroom, so Neil turned away from the small hallway and walked towards the large windows. Their view consisted of mostly forest, but Neil could see a small path leading somewhere.  
He was curious if there would be a lake around here.  
  
Satisfied with everything so far, Neil walked into the bedroom.   
  
Andrew was sitting on the bed, staring at the wall with a detached look in his eyes.  
  
It hurt Neil to see Andrew like that.  
Because he could guess what had caused it.  
  
He moved to stand in front of Andrew, then crouched low so he was looking up at him.  
  
‘Andrew,’ he said softly. ‘Can I touch your hands?’   
  
Ever so slowly, Andrew’s eyes slid to Neil.   
Then he nodded, so Neil reached out and gently took both of Andrew’s hands in his own.  
They were cold.  
  
‘Want to talk?’ Neil asked quietly.  
  
Andrew was looking at their hands, and after a few seconds, shook his head once.  
  
‘Okay. Do you mind if I talk?’   
  
Andrew didn’t respond, and Neil knew from experience that it depended on what Neil would say if Andrew minded.  
  
Neil brushed his thumb over Andrew’s knuckles.  
  
‘Andrew, I know you’re not like them. I feel safe with you. And I wasn’t angry about what you did. It was... unexpected.’  
  
Andrew’s hands twitched underneath his own.  
The rest of his body was frozen.  
Perfectly still.  
  
‘Can I kiss your hands?’ Neil asked.  
  
Voice hoarse, Andrew replied,   
‘Yes.’  
  
Slowly leaning in, Neil placed a soft kiss on Andrew’s left hand, then his right.  
  
‘I trust you,’ he said against Andrew’s skin, then turned his hands around and pressed another kiss against both of Andrew’s wrists.   
  
‘I trust these.’   
  
Because Andrew held so much of Neil in his hands.  
And that was okay.  
  
When Neil looked up, he was met with an angry glare.  
  
Okay, maybe that was enough talking.  
  
Releasing Andrew’s hands, Neil stood up and walked to the other side of the bed, letting himself fall on it.  
It was soft.

He yawned and turned on his side to look at Andrew’s back.  
  
‘If you do a trust fall right now, you’ll crush my face,’ he said lightly.  
  
‘Thanks for the tip,’ Andrew said.  
  
But Andrew’s tense posture relaxed a little after that.  
  
\--  
  
When Neil opened his eyes, the sun was once again low, and something smelled really good.   
  
Damn, he’d fallen asleep again.  
He wondered how long he needed to sleep before he finally caught up.   
  
Still a little drowsy, he wandered into the living room and saw Andrew standing near the stove, cooking pasta.  
  
‘I didn’t know we had pasta with us,’ he commented as he walked closer.  
  
‘We didn’t.’   
  
That surprised Neil.  
‘There’s a store around here?’  
  
‘People here need to eat too,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Yeah, okay.  
Neil watched Andrew’s back, which was less tense than before, and wanted to rest his chin on Andrew’s shoulder very badly.  
  
‘Shoulder okay?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew continued stirring the pasta.  
‘Yes.’  
  
Heart doing a little happy jump inside his chest, Neil walked closer, being careful not to touch where he wasn't allowed, and leaned his chin on Andrew’s shoulder.   
Andrew smelled vaguely of basil and something that was distinctly Andrew.   
Neil liked it.  
  
They stood like that for a while, Andrew absentmindedly stirring the pasta while Neil rested against him.   
  
‘Yes or no,’ Neil murmured.  
  
Andrew froze for a second, then forced himself to relax again.   
Neil could tell from the systematic loosening of his body.  
Still Andrew said,

‘Yes.’  
  
Tilting his head sideways, Neil pressed a kiss against Andrew’s neck.  
  
There was no response.  
  
Neil hummed, accepting the challenge, and pressed an even softer, lingering kiss on Andrew’s neck.  
  
The hand stirring the pasta halted for a second.

Continuing the soft kisses, Neil noticed how Andrew finally, gradually, leaned back, resting his back against Neil and tilting his neck to give Neil more room.

The movements were minimal, but they spoke volumes.  
  
‘I want to touch you,’ Neil whispered against Andrew’s neck.  
  
Andrew shivered involuntarily.  
  
A little daringly, Neil placed an open mouthed kiss near Andrew’s ear while he waited for the answer.  
  
‘Yes,’ Andrew breathed, though he tried to sound emotionless.   
  
Neil felt his blood boil.  
His body was very interested.  
  
Trying to touch as little of Andrew as possible, Neil quickly undid Andrew’s jeans and Andrew pushed them down over his hips, his boxers as well.  
  
Neil placed another kiss on Andrew’s neck as he grasped him with one hand, and Andrew’s hips jerked forward slightly, but he forced the reaction down instantly.  
  
But those little reactions nearly killed Neil.  
  
It was always a very intensely arousing experience to get Andrew off.  
  
Neil’s breathing was getting heavier, though he didn't touch himself, as he sped up his hand and heard Andrew’s sharp and quiet intake of breath.  
  
Suddenly Andrew’s hand reached behind him, and Neil grasped his hand as Andrew’s hips bucked forward sharply, once, before he was spilling all over Neil’s hand.  
  
Neil immediately let go of him, though he wished Andrew would stay, would continue leaning against him.  
  
But as was usually the case, Andrew walked away to clean himself up.  
  
Taking a few calming breaths, to force down his arousal, Neil washed his hands and minded the pasta with an anxious eye.   
How could you tell when it got bad?  
  
When Andrew returned, he stopped and leaned against one of the counters, crossing his arms.  
Observing.  
  
‘What did the pasta ever do to you?’ he asked.  
  
Frowning, and definitely _not_ taking his eyes off of it, Neil said, ‘I don’t know when it’s good and when it gets bad so I’m just watching it closely.’   
  
Andrew snorted.   
‘Good luck with that.’  
And he walked towards the couch.  
  
‘No,’ Neil called out, panicked, ‘Don’t leave me!’  
  
Andrew halted in his step.  
  
Neil cast an anxious look at the pasta again.  
The water was nearly boiling.  
  
‘Pasta’s supposed to be easy,’ Andrew stated.  
  
Grabbing the spoon, Neil started stirring, trying to copy Andrew’s behaviour.  
  
‘Yeah well,’ he said, ‘It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s hard, and I have to work for this, but I want to do that.’   
  
Footsteps.  
  
Andrew taking over the spoon and turning off the stove.  
  
‘You want to work for pasta,’ he said.  
  
Moving aside to give Andrew space, Neil still shot him a look.   
Then he reached out and lightly touched Andrew’s shoulder before letting it drop again.  
  
‘Yeah, because I love pasta.’  
  
Andrew’s hand clutched the spoon rather tightly.  
  
He didn’t say anything as he compiled the food on two plates, and put them down on the dinner table before sitting down himself.  
  
‘You’re so stupid,’ Andrew grumbled as Neil took a large bite of his pasta and made an extravagantly pleased sound.  
  
\--  
  
Neil doubted that Andrew would go to bed at the same time as him, but he’d just lifted his shirt over his head when Andrew walked into the bedroom and moved behind Neil.  
  
‘Did you get off?’ Andrew asked.  
  
Neil shook his head.   
‘I didn’t.’  
  
‘Too concerned about the pasta.’   
  
‘It’s important to me.’  
  
Andrew’s fingers travelled lightly over his back as Andrew said lowly, ‘I’m sure it is.’

Goosebumps appeared on Neil’s skin.   
He shivered.  
  
Behind him Andrew leaned in, his breath ghosting over the junction between Neil’s neck and shoulder.   
  
Neil felt himself harden.  
Felt himself grow impatient, waiting for Andrew to ask the words.   
  
Except Andrew moved his mouth closer to Neil’s ear, causing Neil to shiver again, and asked roughly, ‘What do you want, Neil?’  
  
‘Anything you want to give me,’ Neil groaned, the space between Andrew’s mouth and his skin killing him.  
  
Still barely touching his skin, Andrew’s fingers followed the slight curve of his hips, stopping near his pants.  
  
They seemed to linger there forever, while Andrew’s hot breath against his ear was sending uncontrollable shivers through his body.  
  
Then Andrew’s fingers ghosted over Neil’s erection, still barely touching, the touch so teasing, and Neil had to force himself to stay quiet.

He failed.  
  
‘Yes, Andrew, _yes,’_ Neil groaned impatiently, leaning his head back.   
  
‘I didn’t ask anything,’ Andrew replied, withdrawing his fingers.  
  
Neil hastily turned around.  
  
‘You don’t need to ask me.’   
  
Something flashed behind Andrew’s eyes as he stared Neil down.  
  
Then Andrew pushed him back hard enough that Neil stumbled and half fell on the bed.  
Andrew kneeled in front of him and growled, ‘Don’t give me that bullshit.’  
  
Neil was about to protest, half sitting up, but Andrew grabbed the edges of his pants and boxers and yanked them down.  
  
The roughness took Neil’s breath away.  
It was kind of unexpected.  
  
Grabbing Neil’s knees, Andrew pulled him closer to the edge of the bed.  
When he had Neil where he wanted, he pushed Neil’s legs apart.  
And moved in between them.  
  
Neil was now fully hard.  
  
But before anything could happen, Andrew reached out to grab Neil’s hair, almost painfully, and forced his head down so that their foreheads were nearly touching.  
  
The words were said through clenched teeth.  
‘Yes or no.’  
  
Neil didn’t look away from Andrew’s fierce glare as he replied.  
  
‘Yes.’   
  
Andrew immediately released his harsh grip on Neil’s hair, pushed him back and leaned down, swallowing Neil’s dick whole.  
  
Ironically, it was Neil who choked, his breath stuck in his throat.  
  
He lurched forward from the sensation, still being careful not to touch Andrew, except Andrew released him wetly, grabbed Neil’s wrist impatiently and put it in his hair before going down on him once more.  
  
Neil whimpered, his grip tightening in Andrew’s hair.  
  
The heat of Andrew’s mouth around his dick was

incredible

fuck he wouldn’t last long

‘ _Andrew_ ,’ Neil groaned, closing his eyes from the intense pleasure.  
  
He felt Andrew’s tongue lick along his length hotly, wetly, slickly and fuckfuck  
Andrew _sucked_ s-so  
good  
  
Neil’s legs were shaking  
  
as Andrew continued his rough pace, mouth moving up and down  
  
_ah_  
  
he was close

And then Andrew swallowed him down, and a quiet, barely contained _groan_   
sounded from the back of Andrew’s throat as he was taking as much of Neil’s dick as he could and  
  
that was so _hot_   
  
‘fffuck,’ Neil breathed as his stomach clenched and his hips jerked as he came hard.  
  
Panting harshly, Neil tried to think, but his thoughts were a jumbled mess of exhaustion, contentment and Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.  
He wanted him close.  
  
Reaching out, sitting up, Neil’s voice sounded breathless as he asked, ‘Please kiss me.’  
  
Andrew looked up at him, wiping his mouth.   
The glare was gone.  
  
To Neil’s surprise, Andrew actually leaned closer and kissed him.   
  
The taste didn’t bother Neil in the slightest.  
Because  
There was never a moment where Neil grew tired of sharing his every breath with Andrew.  
  
A warm feeling bubbled up in his stomach, slowly warming his entire body.  
It was the scary one, the one that had Andrew glaring, getting angry.  
It was the one that had secretly become one of Neil’s favourite feelings.  
  
Their lips were warm as they slided together, as they traded small kisses for longer, lingering ones.  
  
Neil never wanted to let go.  
  
\--

He’d gone to sleep with Andrew.  
Except Andrew wasn’t there when Neil woke up, and Neil doubted Andrew had slept at all.  
  
He blinked, still waking up, and looked out the window.   
It was still dark outside, and if he squinted, he could see lots of stars in the darkness.  
  
His bare feet were near silent on the wooden floor as he walked to the living room.  
  
No lights were on.  
But  
Andrew was sitting on the couch, head down.  
  
Neil sighed in relief and walked closer but Andrew said, ‘Don’t.’

So Neil stopped.  
  
Something in Andrew’s hands glinted in the moonlight.  
Neil felt his throat go dry.  
What

What was Andrew doing with his knives?  
  
‘Andre-’ he started.  
  
‘Don’t,’ Andrew cut him off.  
  
But  
  
Neil felt torn between giving Andrew space and his own concern.  
His concern that sometimes still felt like a new thing, and Neil didn’t want to trivialize or ignore it.  
  
‘But Andre-’ he tried again.  
  
‘Jesus Neil,’ Andrew snapped, standing up and turning around.   
Holding the knife threateningly in front of him.  
  
Except.  
  
‘I’m not afraid of you,’ Neil said calmly.  
  
This seemed to anger Andrew even more, like Neil kind of knew it would.   
But it was important that Andrew heard him say it.  
Especially because of what had happened when Neil had lost his memories.  
  
Andrew quickly closed the distance between them until they were nearly nose to nose.

Neil felt the knife digging into his stomach.  
He didn’t flinch.  
Andrew observed his reaction, cocking his head to the side, then asked mockingly,  
‘Not scared of knives anymore after your father?’   
  
Neil shrugged.  
Lie.  
It was a lie, but Andrew didn’t need to know that.  
He only needed to know that Neil wasn’t afraid of him.  
  
The silence was tense as they stared at each other, neither wanting to back down.  
  
Until Andrew lifted the knife and held it against Neil’s cheek, the steel cold against his skin.  
  
‘It’s only fair, right?’ Andrew said lowly.  
  
Neil nodded.  
‘If you want,’ he agreed.  
  
And it was weird how Neil’s words made Andrew grit his teeth, digging the edge of the knife firmer into Neil’s cheek.  
Without breaking the skin.  
  
Still Neil didn’t move or look away from Andrew.  
  
‘I hate this,’ Andrew hissed between his clenched teeth. ‘I hate you.’  
  
‘I know.’  
  
Andrew’s fist was trembling with contained anger and probably frustration as he repeated,   
‘I _hate_ you.’  
  
Only he didn’t sound so angry anymore.  
  
Neil was still holding his gaze calmly as he said again, ‘I know.’  
  
And that seemed to frustrate Andrew to no end, because he growled, ‘Shut up.’   
  
Except Andrew had leaned forward slightly, had allowed his control to slip for a second, and the edge of his knife broke through Neil’s skin.  
  
Blood was welling up, spilling over.  
  
Andrew dropped the knife immediately.  
As if it had burned him.  
  
And Neil expected Andrew to back away, to leave or to get even angrier, but Andrew reached out and turned Neil’s head to the side, inspecting the small cut.  
It felt like concern.  
From the way Andrew’s brow furrowed,  
his hand careful  
his full attention on Neil.

After he’d assessed the cut, Andrew walked away and returned with the first aid kit.  
And everything about Andrew was still radiating anger and frustration, but his movements were surprisingly gentle as he cut off a strip of band aid, then brought it to the cut.  
  
‘It’s fine real-’ Neil tried to reassure him, but Andrew’s glare was intense enough that Neil shut his mouth and simply watched Andrew take care of him.  
  
Andrew’s fingers were warm as he carefully made sure the band aid stuck.  
It made Neil smile.  
  
‘Stop that.’  
  
‘Oh yeah, I remember,’ Neil said, still smiling, ‘I’m not allowed to smile. But I also remember what I _was_ allowed to do.’   
  
Andrew’s answering glare wasn’t as intense as before, so Neil leaned in and kissed him softly.  
When he pulled back, he said, ‘Thank you for the band aid.’  
  
Andrew pushed him back slightly.  
‘I still hate you.’  
  
Neil’s smile couldn’t be stopped, so he let it take over and watched Andrew bristle.  
  
‘I know.’  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah, I'm still a little anxious about this fic, I know I shouldn't be, but I just want to write my boys and their healing process right ;u; <3 
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I adore reading your comments, they mean so much to me!   
> Thank you :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> Ahh, I miss updating more frequently. But I do want to give you guys longer chapters.  
> The struggles.
> 
> Enjoy!

  
The next morning, Neil woke up at dawn, which wasn’t particularly early given that he lived together with Kevin.  
  
Turning on his side, Neil watched the empty space beside him.  
For a tiny second, he hoped Andrew had just woken up.  
But when he felt the bed beside him, the sheets were cold.  
  
Well, as long as Andrew wasn’t gone.  
In both senses.  
  
Just like last night, Neil walked silently to the living room, and saw that Andrew had fallen asleep on the couch.  
It didn’t look particularly comfortable nor did it seem like Andrew was sleeping calmly.  
He was frowning and his hands were holding tightly onto the pillow under his head.  
  
But it was sleep.  
  
Watching Andrew, Neil felt his heart warming, and decided that he wanted to do something for Andrew.  
  
He was going to surprise Andrew with pancakes.  
  
So Neil quietly dressed himself, grabbed his bag and walked towards Andrew’s car.  
A car that he had keys for.  
  
\--  
  
Man, there were too many options.  
  
Neil felt close to having an emotional breakdown as he looked at the shelves in the little supermarket. He wondered if Andrew would doubt his lo-  
his intent if instead of making pancakes from scratch, he just bought a box with instructions.  
  
In the end, after he’d been desperately running around the small store for nearly half an hour, the old lady behind the counter assured him that the box pancakes were very easy _and_ tasty.  
  
‘Don’t worry, dear,’ she giggled as she punched in the numbers on the till. ‘I’m sure your girlfriend will appreciate your cooking, no matter what.’  
  
Neil smiled.  
‘Except he has the worst sweet tooth ever, so if I mess them up, he’ll definitely notice.’  
  
To her credit, the lady didn’t miss a beat as she was packing all his stuff into a paper bag.  
‘I think you’re sweet enough,’ she giggled again.  
  
Neil felt himself blush and, thanking the old lady, quickly grabbed the bag and walked out the store.  
  
\--  
  
The sky was bright blue, and the sun was shining warmly.  
It was a nice day, and Neil felt himself grow excited about the prospect of perhaps going hiking with Andrew today.  
He was curious if there was a lake nearby.  
  
After taking two steps into the cabin, Neil stopped abruptly.  
  
Andrew was standing near the front door, and he looked frozen on the spot, his body still and tense, his eyes wide and… _feeling_.  
  
The  
feeling  
that was somehow caused by Neil so many times  
but the  
wrong one  
  
Neil quickly searched the cabin, looking for danger, a threat, anything that made Andrew look like that.  
But he found nothing.  
The only thing that could’ve changed the situation was himself.  
  
‘An..drew?’ Neil asked hesitatingly.  
  
It took Andrew a few tries before he got his voice to work again.  
‘You’re up early,’ he said flatly, only nothing was flat about the way he’d said it.  
  
Neil watched Andrew wearily, searching for a sign that would give him a clue as to why,  
how,  
what?  
  
But he drew up blank.  
  
‘Yeah…’ Neil said slowly, ‘I figured I could do groceries this time.’  
  
Andrew’s hand twitched, and Neil saw Andrew immediately force down the reaction.  
  
‘I thought maybe I could make… pancakes?’ Neil asked, holding up the paper bag.  
  
Andrew blinked.  
‘Pancakes.’  
  
Neil couldn’t figure out if it was a positive or negative repeat.  
He had hoped Andrew would’ve remembered the last time they’d eaten pancakes together.  
It was a happy memory.  
Or at least, Neil thought it was.  
  
Andrew didn’t say anything, and Neil didn’t know what to say either, so he figured he should just move all the stuff to the kitchen.  
Except aside from not talking, Andrew was also not moving, so Neil didn’t know if he was allowed inside.  
  
Why had Andrew been

afraid?  
  
Neil took a hesitant step forward.  
Andrew didn’t try to stop him, but.  
  
The silence was tense.  
  
\--  
  
It took a while for Neil to find out where to start and which utensils to use, but with some effort he finally had a batter that looked decent enough to chuck into a pan.

And while he was clumsily baking in the kitchen, Andrew was sitting on the couch, watching his every move rather intensely.  
As if Neil would mess up that badly.  
  
The first pancake was a disaster.  
  
Neil saw it burning up right in front of him, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.  
Well he’d tried, but he ended up just ruining it more.  
It wasn’t perfectly round, it wasn’t perfectly golden brown.

It was a little burnt, and it was torn around the edges.  
So Neil was holding it above the trash, prepared to throw it away mercilessly, only Andrew’s voice stopped him before he could.  
  
‘I’ll eat it.’  
  
‘Yeah, you don’t really want this one,’ Neil said apologetically but, eyes nearly burning holes into Neil, Andrew immediately responded with,  
  
‘I want that one.’  
  
The low swoop in Neil’s stomach made him feel a little happy, so Neil unthinkingly said, ‘You know, I don’t know if I like this food metaphor. You’re just going to cut the pancake to pieces.’  
  
Stupid.

Oh, such a wrong thing to say.  
  
He’d barely given any thought to the cut on his cheek, though it had only been last night, but of course  
of course  
Andrew wouldn’t have forgotten it.  
  
And it hurt Neil so much more than he thought it would to see Andrew’s body going stiff, to see Andrew's gaze drop, likely watching his hands.  
  
So Neil immediately slapped the miserable pancake on a plate, sat in front of Andrew on the couch and held it out.  
  
‘You can eat it,’ he offered.  
  
But Andrew didn’t look up.  
  
Fuck  
he had fucked up  
what now  
  
Desperate, Neil tore a piece of the pancake off and put it in his own mouth, chewing vigorously, then tore another piece off and stuffed it inside Andrew’s mouth.  
  
‘Let’s eat this ruined thing together then,’ Neil grumbled.  
  
The only reason he’d gotten away with stuffing a burnt and ruined piece of pancake inside Andrew’s unwilling mouth was the element of surprise.  
Because Andrew was staring at him, eyes a little wide.  
  
‘Eat,’ Neil said.  
  
And to his astonishment, Andrew did.  
  
Without saying a word, they finished the terrible pancake together.  
Piece by piece.  
  
Taking the plate with him, Neil stood up to finish making the rest of the batch but before he got very far, Andrew said,  
‘That was the worst thing I’ve ever eaten.’  
  
Well.  
At least they were sort of back to normal.

  
‘I’ll drop the next pancake on your head,’ Neil replied.  
  
\--  
  
Still, Neil wanted to try it.  
Lugging his bag with him, that he’d packed hopefully, Neil walked into the living room and asked, ‘Can we explore today?’  
  
Without looking up from his book Andrew deadpanned, ‘I already explored you yesterday.’  
  
Nearly dropping his bag, Neil looked incredulously at Andrew.  
  
was that  
a fucking joke?  
  
‘No,’ Neil started, a little confused, ‘No, I meant outside. I want to explore outside.’  
  
Looking at him over the top of his book, Andrew lifted an eyebrow.  
  
‘What?’ Neil asked.

But Andrew only sighed as he closed his book and walked to the bedroom to, probably, grab his own bag.  
At least, Neil hoped he would and hadn’t just dismissed the conversation.  
  
\--  
  
Since it was midday, it was exceptionally warm outside, and the sun was burning down on them as they walked through the forest.  
Neil stripped off his wristbands, not caring who saw his burn marks, as long as he was losing some of his body heat.  
There weren’t any people out here anyway.  
  
Walking behind him, Andrew was dressed in his full black attire.  
A black long sleeved hoodie, his wristbands underneath, black jeans and dark combat boots.  
Neil felt himself start to sweat when he looked at Andrew, and felt glad for his shorter pants and t-shirt.  
  
Except wherever he walked, plants were aggressively scraping and stinging him with thorns and whatnot and Neil felt his legs and arms start to itch from all the tiny scratches.  
He rubbed them absentmindedly, and heard Andrew snort behind him.  
  
‘What?’ Neil asked, looking over his shoulder.  
  
‘Karma,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Ugh.  
  
‘Yeah? And how are those clothes working for you?’  
  
Andrew frowned and looked away, and Neil smiled smugly.  
  
‘You can take them off if you get too hot, I don’t mind,’ he offered friendly.  
  
Turning his head back immediately, Andrew glared at him.  
When he noticed Neil’s innocent smile, he scoffed.  
  
‘I will take you down in these clothes,’ Andrew threatened.  
  
Neil shrugged and walked happily onwards.  
Things were good.  
Right?  
  
\--  
  
Things were great.  
  
After walking for nearly half an hour, during which the sun was really turning its heat up a notch and Neil felt himself burning away, so never mind what Andrew must silently be enduring, Neil finally,  
finally,  
spotted the lake.

He turned around excitedly.  
‘I knew it! There’s the lake.’  
  
‘Again your observation skills amaze me,’ Andrew said, as he watched the huge mass of water behind Neil pointedly.  
‘I’m going in,’ Neil announced, and he jogged towards the lake, nearly tripping over the slippery pebbles.  
  
He heard Andrew behind him muttering,  
‘Let’s not check if the water’s good.’  
  
But Neil couldn’t care, the water was probably fine, and besides, he was too overheated to care about trivial things like that.  
  
In a fluid movement, he chucked off his shirt then bend over to quickly remove his shoes. He debated for a second if he wanted to deal with wet pants on the way back but no.  
He didn’t.  
So he unzipped his fly and dropped his pants.  
  
Behind him, he heard Andrew mutter again.  
‘Oh no.’

Smiling, Neil turned around and waved at Andrew, who was now standing near Neil’s clothes.  
‘Come on, Andrew!’  
  
Andrew was looking skeptically at him.  
‘I’ll see if you survive.’  
  
Okay then.  
His loss.  
And Neil ran into the water, which was deliciously cold.  
When it reached his chest, he took a big breath and ducked completely underwater.  
For a second, everything was cold.  
Everything was weightless.  
And there was no noise.  
  
Neil felt weirdly at peace in this cold, dark and soundless place.  
  
But then he remembered his overheated boyfriend on the beach, and he resurfaced again to see Andrew sitting on the pebbles now, still next to Neil’s abandoned clothes. Andrew was leaning back on his arms, frowning at Neil.  
  
Feeling a little daring, Neil walked out of the water and towards Andrew.  
As he got closer, he saw Andrew’s eyes travel slowly over his body, and to Neil’s pleasure Andrew’s frown disappeared and instead his eyes darkened slightly.  
  
‘I think,’ Neil said slowly, ‘That you’re wearing too many clothes.’  
  
Andrew dragged his eyes up to look Neil in the eye as he said, ‘Do I care about your opinion?’  
  
Neil pretended to think for a second before smiling, ‘Yes.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes narrowed.  
‘That’s assuming of you.’  
  
But Neil ignored Andrew’s attempt at appearing cool, and crouched in front of him.  
He saw Andrew’s eyes flicker to his legs, and it gave him the confidence to say calmly, ‘I also think you’re not wet enough.’  
And before Andrew could move back, Neil moved forward and wrapped his very wet arms against Andrew, tackling him to the ground.  
  
Andrew grunted as they hit the ground, then lightly smacked Neil’s head.  
‘That the best you can do?’ he asked, though it sounded slightly muffled underneath Neil’s body.  
  
And honestly, that was just giving Neil permission.  
  
So Neil leaned back to hook his arms around Andrew, who immediately hissed threateningly, ‘Do not think about lifting m-’  
as Neil lifted Andrew in the air, and started walking towards the lake.  
There was a second where Neil feared for his life as he glanced down at Andrew in his arms, and while Andrew glared murderously at him, his hands grabbing Neil’s shoulders painfully, he didn’t actually throttle him, so Neil felt it would be fine to walk into the water,  
‘Neil my shoes-’  
and fall down in the water with Andrew still in his arms.  
  
The rest of Andrew’s words were lost.  
  
When they resurfaced, Neil had to quickly hide his laugh behind his hand as he saw Andrew.  
Whose hair was flat and falling over his eyes, hiding them almost completely.  
Everything about him was dripping wet, and when Andrew lifted a hand to brush his hair away from his face, it stuck up in every direction.  
Neil’s snort couldn’t be contained.  
  
Andrew watched him silently.  
  
‘Am I gonna die now?’ Neil giggled, and sounding not at all afraid.  
  
Without any warning, Andrew charged forward, hooking his leg between Neil’s and shoving him, causing Neil to fall flat on his back.  
He spluttered as he resurfaced, and saw Andrew staring him down, still dripping wet in his heavy clothes.  
  
‘Aren’t you going to take off your clothes?’ Neil asked.  
  
But Andrew only crossed his arms.  
  
Not enough, huh?  
  
‘Okay,’ Neil started, ‘How about this? Every time I dunk you underwater, you take something off. Same goes for me.’  
  
Andrew’s stare was heavy on him as he replied, ‘You’re only wearing your boxers.’  
  
Trying his best to appear innocent, Neil asked, ‘Does that bother you?’  
  
Scoffing, Andrew waved his words away.  
‘Deal.’  
  
Oh yeah, things were great.  
  
\--  
  
Well, okay maybe Neil had forgotten Andrew’s ferociousness and killer instincts.  
  
Though miraculously, he’d managed to pull Andrew underwater twice, causing Andrew to lose his hoodie and shirt, until Andrew got invested enough and nearly slam-dunked Neil underwater.  
  
When he’d resurfaced again, Andrew’s stare was slightly smug.  
Neil frowned.  
  
‘That’s too much.’  
  
Andrew crossed his arms, but the smug tilt of his lips remained.  
‘I agree, take it off.’  
  
Something burned inside Neil at those words.  
  
Hooking his fingers under the waistband of his boxers, Neil held Andrew’s gaze as he dragged them down over his hips, then kicked them off.  
They flew off somewhere far away, but Neil didn’t care.  
  
‘I’m not going to get them for you,’ Andrew said.  
  
‘You going to get something else then?’ Neil asked, hoping he was getting better at this.  
  
At the way Andrew’s gaze dropped down for a second, he thought so.  
  
‘A sunburn probably,’ Andrew replied after a second, then moved forward, closing the distance between them.  
  
‘Kiss me,’ Neil said.  
  
And Andrew did, one hand tangling in Neil’s hair, while the other gripped his dick firmly and quickly started jerking him off.  
  
It didn’t take long for Neil to gasp into Andrew’s mouth, legs shaking as he came.  
  
As Neil then had to search for his boxers on unsteady legs, he had to admit it had been a little stupid of him to throw them away.  
Especially since he couldn’t find them.  
  
When he got back onto the pebbly beach, Andrew was already waiting.  
His stare told Neil enough.  
  
‘Yeah, yeah, I know,’ he said, putting on his shirt. ‘But at least we did some exploring outside, right?’  
  
Andrew looked ready to shove him back into the water.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah, I hope you're all still enjoying this ! :D
> 
> Also, scary, Neil's mind slipping up there and calling Andrew his boyfriend.  
> But then again, it never was Neil who had trouble calling it a 'this' :)  
> (but you would not believe the debate in my mind about whether or not it was in character of Neil to slip up like that. It lasted for about a week before I decided to just leave it because I thought it was cute and because they were relaxed and happier and Neil was also slightly making fun of Andrew in his head)  
> YEAh the struggles of a writer are real guys
> 
> Anyways.  
> Thank you so much for reading!! <3  
> OH and feel free to say hello to me on tumblr (idnis) or twitter (@idnis9) ! :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO lovely people!
> 
> Let me start by apologizing for my absence! I'm so sorry that this chapter is later than usual. There was a convention and I wasn't ready and it was stressful. But now that that's over, I can get back into the swing of things.
> 
> Enjoy!

  
It was evening, they had eaten dinner, and Neil’s arms and legs were itching.  
  
He tried his best to ignore it, and not to scratch them, but it was getting difficult.  
The tiny scratches, the insect bites, the fact that he was a little sunburnt.  
It _itched_.  
  
And he thought he was doing so well to hide it, until Andrew dropped his book irritably and stood up.  
‘Come on,’ he said, and walked towards the bedroom.  
  
Neil followed him sheepishly.  
  
Andrew was opening the first aid kit when Neil walked in, and gestured for Neil to sit on the bed while he sorted through its contents. When he found the antibacterial gel and the anti-insect cream, he looked at Neil’s arms and legs.  
Which were covered by his wristbands and sweatpants.  
Right.  
  
Neil took off both, then, after a moment’s hesitation, a moment where he felt every scar and burn mark on his body, he decided to lose his t-shirt as well.  
He wasn’t afraid of Andrew not liking his body.  
Was comfortable with Andrew seeing him like this.  
  
Andrew raised an eyebrow but kneeled in front of Neil and began to wordlessly clean Neil’s cuts.  
It stung, but it was nothing compared to-  
And besides, it had been worth it.  
  
‘Did you like the lake?’ Neil asked.  
  
‘It was a lake,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Which meant Andrew didn’t dislike it.  
  
Andrew moved onto the cream for the insect bites, and, gently turning Neil’s limbs, took care of every little bite.  
The careful touches on his body were relaxing and unnerving at the same time.  
  
Neil felt his body heat up slowly.  
Both from slow arousal and comfortable contentment.  
  
‘Thank you,’ he said, watching Andrew.  
  
Turning Neil’s left leg a little, Andrew didn’t look up as he replied,  
‘Next time you can do it yourself.’  
  
‘No,’ Neil clarified, ‘Not for this.’  
  
Andrew’s fingers gripped his leg a little tighter.  
  
‘It’s nothing,’ Andrew said, which made Neil smile and without thinking, he placed a quick kiss on Andrew’s forehead.  
Andrew’s soft hair tickled his nose.  
  
‘No, it’s everything,’ he smiled.  
  
There was a careful detachedness in Andrew’s eyes as he slowly looked up at him.  
But Neil could see it was a layer, a mask.  
Could see it was hiding _something_.  
  
Andrew’s hand was gripping his leg tightly,  
as if he didn’t want to let go.  
  
‘You keep saying that.’ Andrew said.  
  
Neil watched Andrew carefully as he asked,  
‘Does it bother you?’  
  
But instead of answering immediately, Andrew’s eyes hardened, and Neil recognized it as struggling.  
  
Still, the word was said,  
though it was a visible struggle to get it out.

‘Yes.’  
  
Neil didn’t want to think about what Andrew’s _yes_ meant.  
If it actually meant a no for something else.  
  
‘Should…’ Neil began slowly, ‘Should I stop saying it?’  
  
The way Andrew’s fingers twitched, the muscles in his shoulders tensing, told Neil that Andrew wanted to look away from him.  
But that he refused to look away from him.  
  
‘No.’  
  
A sigh escaped Neil.  
Which didn’t escape Andrew’s notice, and he frowned.  
Seemed to think hard about something.  
Then,  
  
‘It’s-’  
  
But Andrew cut himself off, not finding the right words, not knowing how to put it into words probably.  
  
Neil throat closed off, and he felt his heart beat faster.  
He knew.  
That was enough.  
He knew.  
  
So swallowing away the lump in his throat, Neil said quietly,  
‘Show me then.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes were burning as they looked into his,  
allowing a little of the mask to disappear.  
  
Then Andrew got to his feet, and took off his shirt,  
his jeans,  
his socks,  
his boxers,  
and his wristbands.  
  
And Neil swallowed again, for a different reason this time, as he forced his eyes to stay on Andrew’s.  
He didn’t have permission yet.  
  
But Andrew sighed, and said the word.  
‘Yes.’  
  
Heart pounding wildly, Neil let his gaze travel over Andrew’s naked body.  
There was wanting, and there was _wanting_.  
And Neil now knew the difference.  
  
‘I want to touch you,’ he said shakily.  
  
‘It’s a yes.’  
  
And that was exciting, and so much at the same time as Neil looked at Andrew’s strong arms, trained to hold a heavy racquet for a long time, the plains of his stomach, the dip of his hipbones, the-  
Neil released a stuttering breath.  
‘I want to touch you so badly.’  
  
‘Stop talking.’ Andrew said.  
His eyes were focused intensely on Neil.  
  
Taking a moment to reign in his arousal, Neil let the meaning of this sink in.  
It was a lot.  
For Andrew.  
This was.  
A first.  
This was.  
Trust.  
This was.  
L-  
  
Both emotions swirled inside him, burning through Neil’s veins.  
  
‘I want you on top of me,’ Neil said tightly, and saw Andrew close his eyes briefly, then breathe out slowly through his mouth.  
  
‘Too much.’  
  
Neil nodded, dismissing that wanting, and immediately chose another one.  
  
He sank to his knees in front of Andrew.  
And placed a million kisses on Andrew’s hips,  
upper legs,  
and all over his erection, until he saw Andrew’s hand hovering near his head, probably wanting to shove Neil on his dick for teasing, and Neil grinned up at Andrew before placing a slower kiss on the tip.  
  
Andrew gritted his teeth.  
‘I hate you,’ he said.  
  
Only Neil didn’t really believe Andrew as he took him into his mouth and heard Andrew choke down the moan in his throat.  
  
Closing his eyes, Neil bobbed his head quickly, knowing Andrew liked it fast, fast, faster.  
Though he would’ve liked to go slow, slow, slower,  
touching Andrew for as long as he was allowed to.  
  
_I want this.  
I want Andrew.  
I’ll always want Andrew.  
_  
The thoughts slammed inside his head.  
And Neil opened his eyes, the feeling suddenly overwhelming, and he looked up at Andrew, trying not to conceal anything he was feeling,  
_feeling  
_ fuck this feeling was love, wasn’t it?  
  
Neil’s free hand grasped Andrew’s ankle, needing to steady himself and Andrew must’ve noticed something was different because he looked down and.  
Their eyes met.  
Andrew’s widened.  
as he saw  
And Andrew quickly put his hand inside his mouth to stifle his groan as he came.  
  
And Neil had barely swallowed everything, when Andrew sank to his knees, joining him on the floor, and kissed him.  
Hard.  
His lips sliding over Neil’s  
as if he would die if he didn’t kiss him.  
Their breaths intermingled.  
And breathing was getting difficult

But Andrew’s hands lifted, grasped Neil’s head, refusing to let go  
Refusing to let him go.  
  
And no words were exchanged,  
but Andrew’s reply might as well have been yelled.  
  
\--  
  
Neil fell asleep watching Andrew beside him, and when he woke up, his heart leapt inside his chest as he saw that Andrew was still beside him.  
Asleep.  
  
And there was no frown on his face.  
No sign of discomfort.  
Andrew’s breathing was calm, and deep.  
  
And the weirdest feeling overcame Neil, so out of place, so foreign to him, that he had trouble recognizing it.  
His throat closed off, and it was suddenly hard to swallow, to breathe, like someone had squeezed it shut.  
But at the same time, his heart swelled, his body felt lighter while Neil felt more grounded, and,  
and that was the weirdest part of it all,  
Neil felt like crying.  
Tears nearly forcing themselves out.  
  
It was overwhelming.  
It was foreign.  
It was utter happiness.  
  
And it would be too much for Andrew to see, to know, so when Andrew stirred, eyes scrunching, Neil forced all of it down.  
And stored it inside himself.  
  
‘Sleep well?’ he asked softly, seeing as Andrew was still waking up.  
  
‘Not really. I kept seeing your face,’ Andrew replied, but his emotionless voice still sounded too sleepy so it came out rather… non-threatening.  
  
Neil smiled.  
‘I can make pancakes,’ he offered.  
  
Yawning, Andrew nodded, until he seemed to get back some awareness.  
‘On a plate.’  
  
Damnit.  
Neil laughed, and pushed himself upright.  
‘Sure, but I have to say, you’re missing out on something.’  
  
Andrew looked at him.  
‘No, I don’t think I am.’  
  
\--  
  
They were having breakfast.  
  
‘How long are we going to stay here?’ Neil asked while devouring his second pancake, but Andrew didn’t look up from the monstrous amount of sugar he was putting onto his.  
  
‘I mean,’ Neil continued, ‘I’m not against pancakes, but we have to eat something else eventually.’  
  
‘Your weakness isn’t my concern,’ Andrew said as he started cutting what was supposed to be a pancake underneath all that sugar.  
  
‘You don’t seriously want to eat pancakes every day?’  
  
The look Andrew gave him said otherwise.  
But they were not going to be eating pancakes for the rest of their time here.  
Neil refused.  
  
‘We’ll go to the store after breakfast,’ Neil stated.  
  
‘Who’s this ‘we’ you talk about?’  
  
Neil shot Andrew a look.  
  
\--  
  
At the tiny store, Neil lost sight of Andrew pretty quickly. It was kind of amazing.  
  
Sighing in defeat, Neil started loading things in their basket that would maybe reach Kevin’s standards.  
Though he wrinkled his nose in disgust at the vegetables.  
  
He left the sweets aisle for last, and it was where Neil finally saw Andrew, looking at the baked goods section.  
In particular, a chocolate cake.  
  
‘That’s not breakfast,’ Neil said.  
  
‘Thanks for your opinion, mini Kevin,’ Andrew said.  
  
Rolling his eyes, Neil decided to not turn this into a discussion and turned towards the counter.  
The old lady from last time was already looking at him, and when he approached her she smiled.  
  
‘Oh my,’ she said, ‘He really has a sweet tooth, hasn’t he?  
  
Neil nodded.  
‘If it were up to him, we’d be eating pancakes for the rest of our lives.’  
  
As soon as the words were out, Neil registered two things.

First, what the actual fuck he had just said.  
Second, that Andrew had been walking up to him when he’d said it.  
  
And while Neil was getting more and more sure of his feelings for Andrew, one feeling in particular, the feeling that was still scary to admit, he wasn’t a hundred per cent sure if Andrew felt the same. He might feel something intense for Neil now, but was he prepared to deal with that, with Neil, for a long time to come? Was Neil interesting enough for, like Neil had just so tactlessly said, the rest of their lives?  
Fuck, it might as well have been a proposal or something.  
  
Neil felt his panic start to rise.  
Beside him, Andrew was silent.  
  
To everyone’s surprise, it was the old lady who came to their rescue.  
  
‘Well, as my grandmother used to say, there’s hardship in everything, except pancakes.’  
  
‘Then you should’ve seen the first pancake,’ Andrew said, and  
just like that the tension was gone.  
The old lady giggled as Neil frowned at Andrew and said accusingly, ‘You wanted to eat it.’  
  
Andrew shrugged and walked past him to grab the already full groceries bags.  
Which brought Neil’s attention back to the groceries, and he saw the old lady’s wrinkly hands put away a box of chocolate cake.  
  
‘Wha-’ he started, but stopped when he figured it was a lost cause anyway. Shaking his head, Neil paid for their items.  
  
When he wanted to grab the last bag, he saw that Andrew already had it, was walking out of the store with it. With a quick goodbye at the old lady, Neil followed him.  
  
‘Hey, let me carry a bag too.’  
  
Andrew ignored him as they walked towards the car.  
  
‘Andrew,’ Neil tried again, and reached for one of the bags, but Andrew neatly dodged him.  
  
‘We’re here,’ Andrew pointed out, and Neil reluctantly unlocked the car so Andrew could put the bags in the trunk.  
  
‘Stop carrying everything,’ Neil muttered. ‘Let me carry some of the weight as well.’  
  
Andrew froze for a millisecond, the bag in his hand swinging.  
Then he dumped them all into the back of the car.  
  
‘It’s just groceries, Neil.’  
  
Neil frowned at Andrew’s back.  
If it was just groceries, then why couldn’t Neil carry something?  
  
\--  
  
Maybe Andrew was still upset about the memory loss.  
  
Neil considered this while sitting cross legged on the soft carpet.  
Andrew was spread out on the couch, texting someone on his phone.  
  
It was obvious that it had been a very heavy experience, Neil’s memory loss, for both of them. But Neil had sort of assumed that because he got his memories back in the end, they would eventually get back to normal.  
But that was exactly where this train of thought went wrong, didn’t it?  
Because things were never just normal with them.  
  
And Neil wondered if there was some small part of Andrew, that was still afraid.  
  
But of what?  
  
Neil watched Andrew text for a while.  
Though it wasn’t a smile, he could definitely see something close to cheerfulness on his face.  
That could only mean one thing.  
  
Neil narrowed his eyes.  
‘What are you texting?’ he asked.  
  
‘How you got bit by every insect here.’  
  
‘Ha-ha,’ Neil replied. ‘I don’t think your shrink needs to know that.’  
  
‘She does,’ Andrew said, ‘There’s a lot of good wordplays with Bee and insect bites.’  
  
Neil groaned.  
‘Great. Now she’s going to link my distrust of her to my innate fear of insects. Or something stupid like that.’  
  
Andrew ignored him in favor of responding to another text.  
  
Neil watched him for a moment before asking, ‘Do you talk about it? With her?’  
  
Not looking up from his phone, Andrew replied,  
‘Insects? Hardly.’  
  
It was all the more frustrating to Neil to know that Andrew knew perfectly well what he was asking and actually, consciously, _chose_ to be difficult all the time.  
  
‘No,’ he said, ‘About your fears.’  
  
This caught Andrew’s interest, and he dropped his phone in his lap to give his full attention to Neil.  
He seemed to think for a moment about what to say.  
  
‘I do. I usually text her before I go on a plane.’  
  
Huh.  
While Neil knew that Andrew texted Bee, he always assumed it was just some senseless texts. He never considered Andrew might text Bee because he needed some help.  
  
‘That’s it?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew cocked his head to the side in question.

‘You don’t talk about other fears?’ Neil continued.  
  
There was nothing behind Andrew’s eyes as he replied, ‘There are no other fears.’  
  
Yeah, Neil highly doubted that.  
He changed the direction of the conversation though.  
  
‘Does it help? Talking to her about your fears?’  
  
‘Fear,’ Andrew corrected him. ‘And it does.’  
  
‘How? All I know is that you’re still afraid of heights.’  
  
Andrew sighed as if Neil was being difficult.  
‘I don’t have a problem with Bee. That’s all you.’  
  
Neil waved his words away.  
‘That’s not answering my question.’  
  
‘It was,’ Andrew said. ‘You asked a stupid question, then added a statement to it.’  
  
Fine.  
Neil felt himself get slightly irritated, and he knew it was partly because he distrusted Betsy so much that he didn’t like talking about her in general.  
  
‘Fine,’ he echoed his thoughts. ‘If talking to her about your fears helps you, then I guess good for you.’  
  
‘Fear,’ Andrew reminded him.  
  
\--  
  
The T.V. was droning on in the background.  
Neil wasn’t focusing on it.  
He was restless, his leg constantly bouncing up and down.  
Since Andrew was resting his legs in his lap, he’d already gotten a few irritated looks, so Neil tried to keep still but after a minute found his leg moving yet again.  
  
Then, Andrew had had enough.  
He kicked Neil in the side.  
  
‘Stop it.’

Neil looked down at his hands.  
‘I need to get out,’ he confessed.  
  
‘Okay,’ Andrew said, and shifted his legs out of Neil’s lap.  
  
Nothing more was required of him.  
Andrew didn’t need an explanation.  
  
Neil stood up to grab his shoes.  
  
\--  
  
The night was dark, and unforgiving, as it left Neil alone with his thoughts as he jogged through the forest.  
It was difficult to evade low hanging branches or protruding stones on the ground, so Neil found himself stumbling a lot.  
  
The feeling wasn’t a foreign one.  
  
His mind returned to the night Andrew pulled a knife on him, Andrew repeating ‘ _I hate you’_ , and looking so angry about it, about Neil. Then his careful fingers taking care of the cut on his face.  
His mind returned to the glint in Andrew’s eyes as he tackled Neil and pushed him underwater, the invisible smile as Neil resurfaced. The wanting in his eyes when Neil removed his boxers, Andrew’s hand steady and warm.  
His mind returned to Andrew struggling to say the words, for Neil’s sake, but not getting them out, and instead _showing_ Neil that he was trusted, that just like Neil, Andrew gave himself fully, no holding back.  
  
That

Neil shook his head as another branch nearly poked his eye out, and tried to focus more on his surroundings. But it was difficult because he finally allowed everything that had happened to sink in.  
  
Because even when Neil had lost his memories, when Neil wasn’t really Neil anymore, Andrew hadn’t given up on him.  
Had stayed with him,  
and had protected him.  
  
And somehow Neil still dared to doubt?  
Had somehow thought that saying ‘for the rest of our lives’ would not mean the same to Andrew?

A stone he didn’t see tripped him up, and Neil held out his hands to cushion his fall. They scraped on the tiny branches, prickly leaves and hard rocks, but the pain was a good wake-up call.  
  
After everything Andrew had done for him, Neil shouldn’t doubt anymore.  
And it was fine if he was open about his feelings.  
It was what Andrew deserved.  
  
Getting to his feet again, Neil felt his heart swell as he basked in the knowledge of Andrew’s feelings.  
A smile found its way onto his face, and he brushed his hair out of the way, simply standing in the darkness in the middle of an unknown forest, allowed Neil Josten, and allowed himself, to feel really _happy_.  
  
Neil wanted to share this feeling.  
So he turned around.  
And found himself lost.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all still enjoying this! :)  
> I would really love to know what you think about the sequel and this chapter. I think we're about halfway now, something like that. Maybe even a little further. My plan is to make this sequel about 6 chapters in total... 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3 !!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> WOAH so I was super motivated after reading all your comments, thank you so much <3 and I've written like crazy so here I am again with another chapter :D 
> 
> (also if you want a song rec; I listened to 'love love love' by Of Monsters and Men frequently while writing. It doesn't match everything in this chapter, but it's a pretty damn good Andreil song so I'd say give it a try!)
> 
> Enjoy!

  
Yeah, okay, he should’ve taken his phone.  
He kind of understood why everyone always insisted on this.

Ugh, where was he?

He’d been too lost in his thoughts to really focus on his surroundings.  
  
Neil tried to backtrack, but it was difficult to make out his own footsteps in the dark.  
  
Shit.  
  
\--  
  
Eventually, the best solution Neil could come up with was finding a good place to sleep and try and find his way back in the morning, when he could see better.  
  
It wasn’t too cold outside, and Neil was glad for his luck.  
  
After a minute of searching, he found a few trees closer together, providing some cover, so he dumped his hoodie, or was it Andrew’s hoodie?, on the ground and sat down.  
  
Before he knew it, he fell asleep.  
  
\--  
  
Surprisingly, Neil woke up when the sun was already fairly high.  
The after effects of his medication were really something.  
He’d probably underestimated his wounds back then.  
  
Stretching his stiff limbs, Neil stood up slowly and yawned while looking around.  
  
To his surprise, he saw the path leading to the lake not too far off, and decided to follow it.  
He could make his way back from there.  
  
\--  
  
The lake’s water was sparkling prettily in the morning sun.  
  
Neil took a few steps forward as he took in the view.  
Then, looking around, searched for the path they’d taken back to their cabin  
until  
Neil suddenly noticed  
Andrew,  
sitting on the pebbly beach.  
  
Andrew’s head was down.  
  
What was he doing up so early?  
  
Surprised and curious, Neil started jogging towards him, but he’d only made it a few steps when Andrew heard the sound.  
Immediately, Andrew drew his knife and turned around.  
  
When he saw Neil, his body locked into place and the grip on his knife tightened.  
  
Though he wasn’t afraid of Andrew hurting him, Neil still stopped.  
  
There was a tense silence, in which Andrew watched him, eyes void of emotion.  
He refused to let the knife go.  
  
‘Andrew?’  
  
It seemed like Neil’s voice caught Andrew’s attention more than his name, but all the same Andrew slowly moved his arm behind him.  
Neil saw the movement, and knew what it meant, but still he refused to move as Andrew threw the knife at him.  
  
It landed near his feet and stuck in the ground.

 Not taking his eyes off Andrew, Neil said,  
‘I think we need to talk.’  
  
‘No,’ said Andrew, and turned around, away from Neil.  
  
‘Andrew-’  
  
But Andrew grabbed a stone off the ground and hurtled it at the lake, where it created a small ripple in the calm water.  
The disruption quickly spread, until the entire lake’s surface was moving.  
It was a stark contrast with Andrew’s still posture.  
  
And it seemed highly unlikely, but Andrew interrupted their silence.  
  
‘Did you have a nice run?’  
  
It was said through clenched teeth, and Neil swallowed.  
  
‘Yes,’ he answered, ‘And I realized some things.’  
  
‘That you need to take your phone with you?’  
  
Neil opened his mouth to argue, but Andrew wasn’t finished.  
  
‘That you wanted to leave?’

That was a little unexpected.  
  
‘Leave what?’ Neil asked.  
  
‘This,’ was all Andrew said, still not moving.  
  
Neil’s heart skipped a beat as he thought about what it could mean, as he remembered everything he’d come to realize last night.  
  
‘There’s a this?’  
  
Instead of answering, Andrew grabbed another pebble off the ground.  
He threw it in the air a couple of times before throwing it in the water, causing little waves to crash onto the shore.  
  
‘There’s no this.’  
  
‘But-’  
  
‘It’s nothing,’ Andrew interrupted him, and his eyes finally found Neil’s.  
They were scarily blank.  
  
‘It’s nothing,’ Andrew repeated.  
  
‘It’s nothing,’ Andrew repeated.  
  
‘It’s nothi-,’  
  
Andrew’s voice cracked a little and he turned his head away.  
  
Neil took a careful step towards him.  
  
‘Stay there,’ Andrew warned him.  
  
But of course Neil didn’t listen, and he moved to stand beside Andrew.  
Andrew didn’t stop him.  
  
‘What happened?’ he asked quietly.  
  
‘Nothing.’  
  
And Neil knew what that meant, so he asked, ‘What did I do?’  
  
‘You were gone.’  
There was no emotion in Andrew’s voice.  
Neil realized that this was the only way Andrew could even talk about this.  
  
‘Can I touch your hand?’ Neil asked.  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
Careful as to not upset Andrew, Neil lightly touched the back of Andrew’s hand.  
  
But still Andrew tensed in response, his hand forming a fist, so moving as slowly as he could, Neil touched the clenched and rigid fingers with his pink, then his ring finger,  
slowly coaxing them to open.  
  
And Andrew did.  
His fingers relaxed, allowing Neil to thread his fingers through Andrew’s.  
  
‘Don’t,’ Andrew said, and Neil nearly pulled back his fingers but Andrew’s tightened, holding him in place.  
‘Don’t give myself back to me.’  
  
There was nothing Neil could say to that.  
So he didn’t.  
He simply didn’t let go of Andrew.  
  
\--  
  
Neil felt nervous as he tried to address the problem.  
  
Andrew was sitting on the bed, while Neil was putting on his pajamas.  
What he wanted to ask was if Andrew was afraid of losing Neil, be it out of his volition or because of… others.  
  
What eventually made it out of his mouth was, ‘Why did you skip your afternoon class?’

Close enough.  
  
Andrew looked up.  
  
‘To search through your stuff.’  
  
What?

His surprise apparently showed on his face because Andrew said,  
‘Don’t look surprised. You were acting suspicious.’  
  
But Neil hadn’t thought Andrew would cross that line now that they were… they had…  
  
‘Why would you do that?’ he asked, and couldn’t keep the disapproval out of his voice.  
But Andrew merely waved away his discontent.  
‘I wasn’t going to take any risks.’  
  
Neil frowned.  
‘What if I wanted to, I don't know... surprise you?’  
  
As soon as he said the words, he knew they were stupid.  
  
‘With an anxiety attack or supposed suicide?’ Andrew deadpanned. ‘I don’t like surprises, you know that.’  
  
True.  
  
Neil sat down on the bed, his back to Andrew.  
They were both quiet.  
  
Then Andrew moved to sit behind him, silently waiting until Neil would talk again.  
But Neil didn’t feel like sharing.  
  
‘Can I sit between your legs?’ he asked tiredly.  
  
Andrew snorted, but said, ‘If you want,’ and moved his legs so Neil could shuffle backwards between them, his back pressed against Andrew’s chest.  
  
It felt safe.  
  
Neil sighed.  
  
‘I don’t really mind that you went through my stuff,’ he admitted.  
  
‘I know.’  
  
‘Did you find anything?’  
  
Behind him, Andrew’s voice was low as he said,  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘Oh.’  
  
From the corner of his eye, Neil could see Andrew’s hand clench into a fist.  
So he laid his hand on his leg, palm open.  
A silent invitation,  
that after a few seconds, Andrew took,  
interlacing their fingers.  
  
‘Do I need to repeat myself again?’ Andrew asked.  
And Neil knew exactly what Andrew wanted to say, wanted to urge him to do, but he also knew that the next time something like this happened, Neil would do the exact same thing.  
  
He’d never let anyone hurt Andrew.

So Neil changed the subject.  
  
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘Especially what you said to my lips yesterday. I think I forgot what it was.’  
  
There was a pause.  
In which Neil almost gave up on the diversion, but then Andrew grabbed his chin and turned his head, leaning in to kiss Neil.  
  
As always Andrew’s kisses were slightly threatening.  
  
They threatened Neil to never think about anyone else ever again.  
  
Neil didn’t mind.  
  
\--  
  
The next morning, Neil was woken up by a kiss on his forehead and the creaking and dipping of the bed as Andrew rolled away from him, likely to start making breakfast.  
  
Neil reached out blindly, vision still foggy from sleep.  
His hand merely grazed Andrew’s back, but it was enough to make Andrew stop and turn around.  
  
‘Stay?’ Neil asked.  
  
He knew there was a fair chance that Andrew’s appetite won over Neil’s request, but Andrew actually laid down again, turning on his side to watch Neil.  
  
Reaching out, Neil paused before he could touch Andrew.  
Instead, he waited, until Andrew took his hand and placed it on his own back, causing them to move closer. Andrew was almost in Neil’s embrace, and their faces were close enough that Neil felt Andrew’s breath ghost against his lips.  
  
‘D’you wanna talk?’ Neil murmured.  
  
‘No,’ Andrew said.  
  
‘I think,’ Neil began, but found his lips brushing against Andrew’s and it was suddenly a lot harder to think about what he’d wanted to say.  
  
‘Yes or no?’ Andrew asked.  
  
Leaning forward, Neil brushed his lips against Andrew’s again.  
The featherlight touch made his heart beat wildly.  
‘You know what I’ll say.’  
  
Andrew sighed.  
So Neil brushed his nose against Andrew’s, closing his eyes as he confessed,  
‘I’ll always say it.’  
  
‘Don’t use that word with me,’ Andrew threatened.  
  
Neil placed a soft kiss on the skin next to Andrew’s mouth.  
Close,  
but not close enough.  
‘Why?’ he asked quietly, ‘Another one of your fears?’  
  
He was afraid he was prodding and pushing Andrew too much,  
was afraid Andrew would snap, would pull back or close himself off,  
but to his surprise Andrew didn’t even frown.  
  
Andrew’s voice was hoarse however, as he corrected him.  
‘There’s only one.’  
  
Neil wondered if it was still heights.  
  
The space between their lips finally felt like too much, too long, too far away, and Neil couldn’t stand it anymore, so he pressed his lips against Andrew’s.  
Said against his mouth,  
‘Yes.’  
  
Immediately, Andrew’s hands were on him, in his hair, on his neck, pulling Neil close, his mouth nearly devouring Neil with the intensity and neediness of the kiss.  
  
Their tongues slid together, while Andrew’s hands slid down Neil’s shoulders, and with a speed that surprised him, Neil felt his body heat up.  
Every one of their kisses had a different type of intensity to them, but this kiss was thrumming, was like a heartbeat Neil could feel, and it made him want to tear Andrew’s clothes off.  
  
Knowing that would probably be too much, Neil’s hand gripped Andrew’s shirt tightly to keep it from wandering.  
  
But his groan conveyed his wanting clearly enough.  
  
Between kisses, Andrew reminded him,  
‘It’s a yes, Neil.’  
  
It sounded like more than a reminder.  
  
With a beating heart, Neil grabbed the hem of Andrew’s shirt and tugged.

Andrew leaned back for a moment, allowing Neil to pull off his shirt, before immediately seeking Neil’s mouth out again.  
  
Only he didn’t stop there.  
  
Andrew pushed lightly at Neil’s chest until Neil was lying flat on his back, then pulled off his own sweat pants before climbing on top of him.  
  
The small barrier of Andrew’s boxers was the most frustrating thing Neil had ever experienced.  
  
Until he realized that he was still wearing all of his clothes.  
  
That needed to change.  
Soon.  
Now.  
  
Except Andrew didn’t allow him any space to move, his hand strong as he held Neil down while he ravaged Neil’s mouth.  
  
Groaning, from arousal and frustration, Neil lifted his hips slightly.  
Bad idea.  
He had wanted to alert Andrew to his fully-clothed state, but all he did was press his erection firmly against Andrew, who ground down immediately, effectively causing Neil to lower his hips and lose his mind.  
  
‘Andrew,’ he gasped.  
  
Completely unaffected by Neil’s frustration, Andrew moved to kiss Neil’s neck, his teeth grazing his skin.  
  
‘Didn’t you want me on top of you?’ Andrew asked against his neck.  
  
Yes,  
_hell yes_ ,  
but his clothes  
  
Andrew ground his hips down again, and Neil’s eyes rolled back from the pleasure.  
  
Fuck.  
  
Leaning closer, Andrew whispered in his ear,  
‘Do the clothes bother you?’  
  
Neil nodded immediately.  
  
So Andrew leaned back, raised himself on his knees so he could hook his fingers under the waistband of his boxers and  
pulled them down.

He threw them in a corner of the room before leaning over Neil again.  
Whose thoughts went  
_oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck  
_ and  
_I want, so badly, I want  
_ as he looked at Andrew’s naked body, from his dark, blown out eyes, to his strong shoulders, to his very hard dick which was leaking on Neil’s shirt.  
  
Fuck, _why_ was he still wearing a shirt?  
  
Until Neil suddenly realized  
that this was indeed Andrew fulfilling his request  
in the only way he could handle right now.  
  
And Neil gave up on trying to lose his clothes.  
  
Instead, he stared into Andrew’s dark eyes, where, now that he looked closer, a slight waver in his arousal could be found.  
Maybe it was  
f-  
_fuck_  
  
As if sensing the direction Neil’s thoughts were taking, Andrew ground his hips down again, dragging his own erection over Neil’s clothed one.  
  
‘ _Again_ ,’ Neil moaned, trying his best to keep his eyes open and focused on Andrew.  
  
Andrew set a slow pace.  
  
Which caused Neil’s body to rock back and forth, and the view of Andrew leaning above him, his dark eyes focused on Neil while the friction-  
It had Neil moaning,  
Andrew’s name frequently on his lips, uttered with first and lasts breaths.  
  
And it was sweet torture to see Andrew’s eyes grow cloudy, hazy from the pleasure.

Neil couldn’t get enough.  
Couldn’t get enough of the friction,  
Couldn’t get enough of the slide of Andrew’s lips against his as Andrew occasionally leaned forward and swallowed Neil’s moans,  
Couldn’t get enough of being allowed so close to Andrew.  
  
‘I’m close,’ he groaned, and wondered if Andrew hated him for it.  
  
But it was as if Andrew had been waiting for this, because suddenly his hands were under Neil’s sweats, curling beneath the waistband, as he pulled them down roughly.  
  
When Andrew pushed himself against Neil again, the slide of Andrew’s naked skin against Neil’s bare legs, the pressure of Andrew’s dick against his, now only Neil’s boxers between them, was enough to make Neil grip Andrew tightly as he threw his head back and came with a moan.  
  
He opened his eyes immediately, wanting to look at Andrew as he lost himself in pleasure.  
  
It didn’t take long.  
  
After a few more thrusts, Andrew closed his eyes and leaned forward, leaned against Neil, as he came with a shuddering breath.  
  
For a moment, there was only the sound of their harsh breathing.  
The wild pounding of hearts trying to calm down.  
And an unspoken feeling that threatened to spill.  
  
Andrew’s hand twitched against Neil’s shoulder.  
  
And Neil wanted to say that it was okay if Andrew never let him go.  
  
\--  
  
Neil finally remembered to charge his phone.  
  
Andrew was eating his way through their stash of chocolate, sitting cross legged on the couch, while Neil sat on the floor near his phone.  
  
So they both heard the sudden and insistent vibrating of a phone who had received many, many messages from a neglected Kevin Day.  
  
**where are u  
  
you need to train.  
  
Neil.  
  
I hope you’re at least eating healthy.  
  
Neil, how long are you going to stay away?  
  
we can skip the morning run if u want.  
  
** And Neil thought it was sorta funny and kinda thoughtful of Kevin to actually think about why Neil had gone away, and if he could persuade him to come back.  
  
Until.  
  
**If you’re not back tomorrow, I won’t train you anymore.  
  
** Okay.  
Jerk.  
  
‘We have to go back tomorrow,’ Neil announced.  
  
Andrew watched him for a second, holding a piece of chocolate that had been on its way to his mouth.  
  
Whatever he saw in Neil’s eyes seemed to convince him that it was indeed necessary they go, because he nodded once before continuing his onslaught on the chocolate.  
  
And while it was great that Andrew was convinced, Neil was secretly a little disappointed to be leaving.  
  
‘Stupid Kevin,’ he muttered.  
  
‘Anything you wanted to do here?’ Andrew asked.  
  
Leaving his phone on the floor, Neil stood up to sit beside Andrew.  
‘I wanted to be with you. Longer.’  
  
Andrew looked at him.  
‘We can do that in Palmetto.’  
  
Neil shrugged.  
‘I know, but we’re closer here somehow.’  
  
It secretly thrilled Neil to be talking about ‘we’ with Andrew.  
  
Andrew didn’t respond.  
But his eyes stayed focused on Neil.

And Neil didn’t want to push Andrew, but he also wanted to know.  
  
‘Maybe it’s because we stopped denying there’s a this,’ he said carefully, slowly.  
  
There was a short pause in Andrew’s breathing.  
And Neil saw him, standing on the beach, eyes furious, voice breaking as he said,  
‘ _It’s nothing.’  
_ And Neil saw the moment Andrew chose to breathe again, as he sat next to him, eyes carefully blank and voice steady as he said,  
  
‘We can do that in Palmetto.’  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aahh I've been thinking about just writing the ending and posting it all in a massive chapter or spreading it out in two separate chapters.  
> Mmm.  
> Difficult.
> 
> Anyways, do let me know what you thought of this chapter and the sequel as I'm dying to know how you think this is going :D and also maybe because I get super happy when I read your comments >//< but don't feel obligated! It already means so much to me that you're reading this story<3  
> Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> CAN YOU BELIEVE MY INTERNET WAS DOWN WHEN I WANTED TO UPLOAD?  
> Yeah. I was veryyy frustrated. Anyways. I debated about cutting this up into two chapters, then figured, 'what the heck' and so here's a pretty long final chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

  
The upside of going back was finally being able to put on his jersey again, the thrill of seeing his name printed across the back still not gone, and Neil took a deep breath as he reveled in the feel of standing on the court again.  
  
Of course the thrill was gone as soon as he saw Kevin’s face.  
  
‘Don’t think about doing that again,’ Kevin said by way of greeting.  
  
‘What? Going on a vacation?’  
  
But Kevin already started for the middle line.  
  
‘You should try it sometimes,’ Neil said as he jogged towards him. ‘It’s really relaxing.’  
  
There was a frown on Kevin’s face.  
‘I don’t need to relax.’  
  
Neil looked pointedly at Kevin’s tense face, but Kevin didn’t pick up on it, and bowed to pick up a ball.  
  
‘Everything sorted out with Andrew?’  
As Kevin had said it while he was bent over, Neil doubted for a good while whether he’d heard correctly.  
  
So when Kevin looked at him again, Neil still hadn’t given an answer.  
To be honest, he was a little dumbstruck.  
This unexpected interest and concern from Kevin was… nice?  
  
Neil noticed the growing silence was making Kevin uncomfortable, so he gathered his thoughts and said,  
‘I think so.’  
  
Kevin nodded.  
‘Let’s train then.’  
  
\--  
  
‘Pizza margarita,’ Kevin said.

‘Hawaiian pizza,’ Andrew said.  
  
‘And a pizza salami,’ Neil finished their order.  
  
The waitress nodded as she wrote it down, then left the Palmetto foxes with an ‘I’ll be with you soon.’  
  
Nicky immediately spoke up.  
‘A hawaiian pizza?’ He looked in disgust at Andrew, then at Neil. ‘How can you stand being with this guy, Neil?’  
  
Neil raised an eyebrow in confusion.  
‘What’s wrong with hawaiian pizza?’  
  
‘What’s wrong with-’ Nicky repeated, shaking his head, and Neil wondered what could possibly be so undesirable about the pizza when Dan cut in,  
‘Nothing’s wrong with hawaiian pizza, Neil.’  
  
Nicky turned his look of disbelief on her.  
‘This tells me so much about you as a person, Dan. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.’  
  
‘Hey,’ Matt said, ‘I support her. Even if she makes wrong decisions sometimes.’  
  
And the conversation officially didn’t make any sense anymore to Neil.  
  
‘Did I miss something?’ he asked hesitantly.  
  
‘No,’ Kevin said at the same time that Nicky said, ‘Yes!’  
  
They looked at each other for a few seconds, but as Neil had found out first-hand it was pretty impossible to win a staring-contest from Kevin, so Nicky eventually gave up and shifted his gaze to Andrew.  
And once again played with his own life as he whined,  
‘You should set a good example for your boyfriend, Andrew.’  
  
Neil couldn’t help it.  
He held his breath.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
Then, Andrew lifted his eyes to look at Nicky as he said,  
‘I kiss him with his consent. That’s better than you managed, right?’  
  
Nicky’s eyes widened as guilt settled heavily on him.  
  
Nobody said anything for a few awkward seconds.  
  
Then all hell broke loose at the foxes’ table as Nicky awkwardly tried to fix the situation while Matt nearly threw his fork at Nicky as he demanded what the hell Andrew was talking about.  
  
‘Aw man,’ Allison said, amidst the loud voices, ‘Nicky got to kiss Neil too? When do I get my shot?’  
  
Neil noticed Andrew’s hands twitching as they probably wanted to reach for his hidden knives.  
But Andrew merely replied calmly,  
‘When he says yes.’  
  
When?  
This was more of an if-situation.  
  
And it seemed like Allison got that as well, because she smiled at Neil as she said,

‘Well, there goes my chance then.’  
  
Neil shrugged in reply.  
She wasn’t wrong.  
He’d never want to kiss anyone other than Andrew.  
  
Looking at Andrew, Neil could see detachedness in his eyes again, so he allowed himself to think back on the simple fact that Andrew hadn’t denied the term ‘boyfriends’.  
And he almost wanted to ask Nicky to say it again, if only to feel the warm and tingly swoop in his stomach again as Andrew silently acknowledged it.  
  
A boyfriend.  
  
The grin on his face was kind of inevitable.  
  
Andrew flickered a blank glance at him, but said nothing.  
  
‘Wow wait, what’s with that smile?’ Nicky suddenly asked, and Neil realized that the others had stopped arguing a while ago.  
He hadn’t noticed.  
  
And Neil wondered if it would be too… much to explain, but found he didn’t have to, because Andrew surprised everyone by responding again.  
  
‘Neil’s thinking about pasta.’  
  
And it was unusual for Neil, but the memory actually made him flush a little.

‘Wow,’ Nicky said. ‘Never mind the smile, what’s with the blush?’  
  
Well.  
If Neil had trouble thinking of what to say at first, now it was virtually impossible for him to think of saying something that wasn’t too much.  
  
So Neil just said,  
‘Sorry, sometimes I realize I’m really in love with pasta.’  
  
It was kind of satisfying to feel Andrew tense beside him, then feel Andrew’s hand gripping his knee rather harshly underneath the table.  
  
However,  
Nicky, and everyone for that matter, shot him a confused look.  
  
‘Why’d you order a pizza then?’ Kevin asked.  
  
\--  
  
Practice was surprisingly normal and to Neil’s satisfaction, Kevin didn’t say Neil had been slacking off while he’d been away.

His only comment was,  
‘We should start our night practices again.’

Neil didn’t mind.  
There weren’t a lot of things he wouldn’t do for Exy.

\--

Except Neil did kind of mind when his body was tired at the end of the day, and he saw Andrew getting ready for bed.  
Because he wanted nothing more than to sleep next to Andrew.  
Watching him fall asleep.    
Making sure Andrew was sleeping okay.

But an impatient Kevin rapped on their bedroom door, and Neil knew that Andrew wouldn’t take well to his concern, so he turned around.  
And started his night practice without Andrew.

\--  
  
When he got home, Andrew seemed to be sleeping.

When Neil got close however, Andrew immediately turned around, and Neil wondered if he’d been awake the entire evening.

Sitting down on Andrew’s bed, Neil leaned forward to give Andrew a kiss, the words ‘yes or no?’ nearly out of his mouth when his arms began to shake heavily from the exertion of the night’s practice.  
Then,  
Neil face planted Andrew’s pillow.

It said something about Andrew’s reflexes.

There was a snort near his ear.  
Neil lifted his body tiredly off Andrew, then turned his head on the pillow.

‘Are you not impressed?’ he asked.

‘No,’ Andrew replied.

Neil _hmphe_ d.  
‘I don’t want to move anymore,’ he complained.

‘So your stamina is worse than I thought,’ Kevin said from his bed.    
  
‘Shut up,’ Neil said tiredly, his eyes dropping of their own accord.

They flew open again however, when Andrew pressed his body against Neil’s, seemingly taking extra care to push their lower halves intimately together.

Neil’s breath left him with an embarrassing groan.

He felt his body responding, blood flowing down.

Andrew’s eyes burned into his for a few seconds, a few heady, intimate seconds where there was barely any space or breath between them, before Andrew scooted back again, giving Neil back his space.

‘His stamina is fine,’ Andrew said.

\--

  
But Neil saw the tension in Andrew’s body as Neil was grabbing his stuff to head out again for his nightly practice.  
  
‘You want to join us?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew’s face was void of any emotions.  
‘Can’t go anywhere without me, Neil?’  
  
The response surprised Neil, who’d gotten used to doing most things together with Andrew, including their night practices.  
Okay, to be fair, Andrew had skipped quite a few of those after the threats and danger were gone, since he valued, or well, used to value, his sleep.  
  
Neil cocked his head to the side as he replied,

‘I can, but I prefer not to.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes narrowed.  
  
Neil continued to look at him.  
Staring contests with Andrew were a win-win situation for Neil anyway.  
  
Eventually, Andrew turned around, shutting Neil out.  
  
A sigh escaped Neil before he could stop himself.  
  
\--  
  
A sigh escaped Neil before he could stop himself.  
  
The lady behind the desk looked at him sympathetically.  
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘You need a university card to register for next year. I can’t believe you’ve managed last year without one.’  
  
Neil gritted his teeth.  
‘I registered all my classes online. And Coach Wymack handled the rest of the registration.’  
  
‘Ah,’ the lady said, unhelpfully. ‘Well, in any case, you need to get a picture taken then go to the administration for your card.’  
  
‘Fine.’  
  
Walking out of the building, Neil wondered where he’d be able to get his picture taken.

The sun was already setting as Neil jogged towards the library to quickly look up any studios that were still available.  
Luckily he found one not too far off. He’d probably be able to run there.  
  
So that’s what he did.  
  
\--  
  
When he arrived at the administration office an hour later, his stomach growled loudly, interrupting the silence in the room as he waited in a fucking line for his turn to simply scribble his name on a piece of paper to get a piece of plastic so he could finally register for his classes.  
  
Neil had almost forgotten that he needed good grades in order to stay on the team.  
Wymack hadn’t.  
And well.  
Good grades required classes.  
And apparently a fucking university card.  
  
His stomach protested loudly.  
  
\--  
  
Apparently, there was a problem with the guy in front of Neil.

He’d been so close.  
  
Neil breathed calmly through his nose as he glanced at the clock to his left and saw that it was already 8pm.  
Great.  
  
\--  
  
Another hour later, Neil nearly broke the pen in two as the woman behind the counter said the printer’s ink had run out and she needed to get a refill from their stockroom.  
  
Neil didn’t quickly contemplate murder.

But he was going to murder his fucking university card.  
  
\--  
  
He’d almost given up on the card, almost, except the prospect of not playing Exy for a month until he’d gotten his paperwork in order was so horrid that Neil endured the torture with gritted teeth.  
  
It was past 10 when he left the building.  
His stomach had given up on getting his attention, and Neil felt dizzy from the lack of food in his body.  
  
He wasn’t sure he would be able to run all the way home like this.  
  
Then Neil remembered the existence of his phone.  
Which was quickly disappearing as he noticed the battery symbol blinking angrily at him.  
  
He pressed 1 and put the phone against his ear.  
  
‘Yes?’  
  
Neil swayed a little on his feet.  
He hoped the battery would hold out.  
  
‘Andrew,’ he said quickly, ‘Can you pick me up?’

Neil felt his hands start to shake from low blood sugar and dropped himself on the ground to stop from passing out.  
  
‘Where are yo-’ Andrew asked, but cut himself off.  
  
‘The administration building at the university,’ Neil quickly said, but Andrew didn’t reply.  
After a few seconds of silence, Neil looked at his phone.  
No battery.  
Ah, that explained why Andrew had been broken off.  
  
Great.  
What now?

Finding food was probably Neil’s best chance of getting home somewhere today.  
  
\--  
  
Neil had just devoured two snickers bars from a vending machine on campus when he heard  
the screeching tires of a car close by,  
the slam of a car door being shut harshly.  
  
Neil looked in the general direction of the sound.  
  
Who was so aggressively parking his car on campus at night?  
  
But Neil had a vague idea who it might be, and his feet were already taking him towards Andrew.

‘How did you know I was here?’ Neil asked in surprise, but as soon as Andrew reached him, he immediately started to look Neil over, checking for-  
‘Are you okay?’  
Andrew’s voice was tight.  
  
Neil nodded sheepishly, watching Andrew’s eyes search him almost frantically.  
Watching the emotion in those eyes.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’ Neil asked hesitantly, though he could guess.  
  
But he wanted Andrew to talk to him about this.  
  
Andrew’s eyes stopped moving as they focused on Neil’s face.  
‘It sounded like something was wrong.’  
  
‘My battery was dying,’ Neil said dumbly.  
  
And something flashed behind Andrew’s eyes, and his hand suddenly shot out to grip Neil’s shirt tightly.  
‘It won’t be the only one,’ Andrew threatened, as he took a step closer to Neil.  
  
He was definitely mad.  
  
‘I’m sorry-’ Neil started, but got cut off by Andrew’s growl.  
  
‘That’s nice for your headstone.’  
  
‘I wasn’t thinking.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes were boring into his, and Neil had trouble meeting his gaze.  
Had trouble because.  
There it was again.  
Fear.  
  
‘When will the day come, Neil?’  
  
Neil didn’t know what Andrew was asking.  
But he felt Andrew’s hand shaking.  
  
So Neil asked instead,  
‘What’s the scariest part?’  
  
‘Nothing,’ Andrew said.  
  
That might be the closest thing to admittance.  
  
Raising his hand, Neil held it near Andrew’s cheek.  
  
The moment where his hand hung in the air lasted an eternity.  
  
Until Andrew forced himself to release his tight grip on Neil’s shirt.  
Neil saw him grit his teeth, then  
Andrew raised a shaking hand and roughly pushed Neil’s out of the way.  
  
Refusing to lean against it.  
  
And it hurt.  
Why did Andrew choose to fight  
_this_  
alone?  
  
Especially  
since Andrew had been the reason Neil wasn’t  
alone  
anymore.  
  
He wanted to yell, to shout, that they should talk about this,  
but before he could do anything, Andrew forced himself to take a step back,  
even though his body was leaning towards Neil.  
And for once, Andrew’s eyes didn’t meet Neil’s as he said,  
  
‘Falling.’  
  
Then he turned around, and walked away.  
  
And the sight of Andrew walking away, the implication of what it might mean- Neil started to panic.  
  
‘We need to talk about this Andrew,’ he choked, taking a step towards him.  
  
‘No,’ Andrew said, not turning around.  
  
And Neil took another step closer, and another, and another, until his feet were gradually moving faster,  
and he was running towards Andrew.  
  
‘I’m afraid,’ he blurted out.  
  
If anything, it made Andrew stop.  
  
But his voice sounded unfeeling.  
‘Then run.’  
  
Neil’s denial was immediate.  
‘No.’  
  
Silence.  
Andrew didn’t respond, or turn around.  
  
And it made Neil desperate for a reaction.  
  
‘I think you’re afraid,’ he said, but not what of.  
He knew.  
And Andrew knew.  
‘And you bury that fear inside yourself, where it’s destroying you.’  
  
Neil saw his words hit home as Andrew balled his fists.  
Turned around and closed the distance between them,  
their foreheads nearly touching as he said dangerously low,  
‘You gonna play shrink now, Neil?’  
  
‘If only you’d let me help.’  
  
Even to his own ears, he sounded pleading.  
  
Andrew pulled back in disgust, but it was better than the sarcastic smile that slowly made its way onto his face.  
It looked dangerous.

‘No no, Neil,’ he said, his voice overly happy.  
Fake.  
‘You don’t have a license, do you? You’re not qualified to help me. But I know who is. Let’s talk with someone who knows what they’re doing.’  
  
Neil’s eyes widened.  
  
‘No,’ he said.  
  
Andrew’s smile disappeared immediately.  
His mouth a harsh, unfeeling line as he pushed Neil backwards and said mockingly,  
  
‘I think you’re afraid.’  
  
He didn’t wait to hear Neil’s reply.

\--  
  
The night air was cold and harsh.  
  
Neil’s every breath felt like a battle, as his feet landed heavily on the court’s floor.  
  
But his entire being felt at peace, and he could think clearly again.  
  
Running had always been Neil’s best and worst feature.  
  
But he had to stop eventually.  
  
When he doubled over, his breath leaving him in harsh painful pants, two feet entered his vision.  
  
Neil looked up at Andrew.  
  
‘Okay,’ he said.

\--  
  
The entire way towards Betsy’s office, Neil felt himself get more irritated.  
Andrew, on the other hand, walked cheerfully beside him.  
  
The entire time they were waiting for Betsy to call them in, Neil’s legs were bouncing nervously up and down.  
Andrew, on the other hand, sat calmly beside him.  
  
And Neil was ready to be quiet the entire time they were inside Betsy’s office, but Andrew suddenly interrupted his angry thoughts.  
  
‘What’s the scariest part?’ he repeated Neil’s own question.  
  
Neil bit his tongue to hold in his irritated reply.  
  
\--  
  
When the door opened and Betsy Dobson appeared, Neil nearly leapt up and ran towards the exit.  
But he forced himself to stand up slowly and shake Betsy’s hand.  
  
‘Good morning Neil,’ she said, smiling at him.  
  
Neil debated for a second too long if he wanted to move past her, to get this over with, or if he was going to participate in the idle chit-chat.  
Luckily, Andrew beat him to it.  
  
‘Good morning, Bee.’  
  
It allowed Neil to quickly slip inside her office.

\--  
  
Of course, Betsy offered them a mug of hot chocolate, which Andrew immediately accepted .  
Neil shook his head when she asked him.  
He still didn’t like sweets.  
Or shrinks.  
  
‘So,’ Betsy started, after handing Andrew his mug and then sitting down behind her desk. ‘I must say, I’m glad to see you here together. It’s good to have an open conversation about things that have been a traumatic experience for the both of you.’  
  
So she was immediately skipping the bullshit.  
  
‘You know,’ Neil said casually, ‘It’s actually pretty common for me to get nearly killed.’  
  
‘So you’re saying it wasn’t a traumatic experience for you?’ Betsy asked.  
  
Neil shook his head.  
  
Beside him, Andrew took a sip of his hot chocolate.  
  
Without batting an eye, Betsy changed the direction of the conversation.  
‘Okay. Why do you think you’re here then?’  
  
‘Because-’ Neil paused.  
  
Because he didn’t want Andrew to walk away from this.  
  
Yeah, he wasn’t going to say that.  
  
‘Because I want to help Andrew, but he won’t let me without your help apparently.’  
  
Betsy nodded, then looked at Andrew.  
‘Is that true?’  
  
Andrew raised an eyebrow.  
‘You’re asking me if Neil is honest?’  
  
Neil turned his head in surprise.  
He hadn’t lied to Andrew in a long time.  
Well, not _exactly_ lied anyway.  
  
‘Do you have the same reason for being here, is what I’m asking,’ Betsy smiled.  
  
Andrew hummed, thinking her question over.  
But Neil’s patience ran out before Andrew could reply and he bit out,  
‘We’re here because Andrew’s afraid of more than just heights, but he won’t admit it.’  
  
Betsy took a sip of her hot chocolate.

‘Why do you think he won’t admit it to you?’ she asked.  
  
The ‘ _to you_ ’ was a painful addition.  
  
‘Because he thinks it makes him look weak and he wants to be strong,’ Neil said.  
  
Beside him, Andrew tensed.  
And Neil wondered if Andrew would deny this, but before Andrew could reply, Betsy asked,  
‘Do you think you’re strong, Neil?’  
  
Huh?  
The question took him by surprise.  
  
‘I don’t- I mean, not really,’ Neil answered.  
‘Why’s that?’  
  
Wait-  
  
‘Why are we suddenly turning this conversation to me?’ he asked. ‘This is about Andrew’s fear of l-’  
  
‘How many times have you been to the roof, Neil?’ Andrew interrupted him.  
  
But what did that have to do with this?  
  
‘I haven’t,’ Neil frowned. ‘Like you know.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes were staring into his as he said,  
‘Don’t talk about my fears when you haven’t faced yours.’  
  
Neil caught the slip-up.  
  
‘So you admit there’s more than one?’  
  
But instead of answering, Andrew calmly reached out with his index-finger until he hit Neil in the chest.  
He pushed.  
‘You first.’

Neil’s frown deepened.  
  
‘You know I’m afraid of more than one thing.’  
  
‘Do _you_?’ Andrew shot back.  
  
But of course Neil knew he had more than one fear.  
Why was Andrew going on about this?  
  
‘I don’t know why this is so important right now,’ Neil said, irritated. ‘I thought we were supposed to talk about the fear I see when you’re not somewhere high up.’  
  
Andrew dropped his hand and turned to face Betsy again.  
Who said,  
‘If you don’t want to talk about your fears, Neil, that’s okay.’  
  
Neil threw his hands up in the air.  
‘Yeah sure, let’s talk about my fears. According to you, they probably got something to do with my parents, or some other shrink bullshit.’  
  
To Betsy’s credit, she kept her face friendly.  
‘I think Andrew asked a valid question, Neil. You said that you didn’t think it was a traumatic experience what happened to you, but you’ve never been to the roof since, right?’  
  
It took every inch of Neil’s willpower to stay in the room.  
So sinking as far back into the couch as he could, Neil crossed his arm as he conceded,  
‘Right.’  
  
‘I think it’s important to acknowledge that something bad happened.’  
  
‘Doesn’t make it better,’ Neil said.  
  
‘No,’ Betsy agreed, ‘But it’s a start to make things better. You said so yourself that you want Andrew to talk about his fears, and in order to do that, he needs to acknowledge it first.’  
Betsy put her mug on the desk and folded her hands.  
‘Do you think it will help if you talked to Andrew about his fears? If he acknowledged them, so to say.’  
  
‘Yes,’ Neil immediately agreed, even though he could sense where this was going.  
  
‘So do you think it will help you if you talk about your fears too?’  
  
Refusing to look Betsy in the eyes, Neil reluctantly admitted,  
‘Yes.’  
  
‘Of course you don’t have to talk to me about them,’ Betsy smiled, and she leaned back in her chair.

Neil had to admit that maybe, she had a tiny point.  
  
He turned towards Andrew.  
  
‘Okay then,’ he said determinedly, wanting to make this work, ‘I’m afraid of a lot of things, like knives.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes flickered to his own wristbands before looking at Neil.  
  
‘I know,’ Neil said. ‘But I’m still around, aren’t I?’  
  
Andrew said nothing.  
  
‘I’m also afraid of being forgotten, of never having lived, of never having made a mark somewhere. Of being no one.’  
  
Andrew kept his eyes on him.  
  
‘I’m mildly afraid of needles,’ Neil smiled a little as he confessed this, but Andrew’s face remained impassive.  
  
‘And I guess,’ Neil continued, though it felt scary to admit, ‘I’m afraid of not being interesting enough.’  
  
Which was another way of saying that he was afraid of losing Andrew.  
  
In the silence that followed, Neil could feel Betsy’s approving gaze on him but he refused to look her way. Instead, he focused on Andrew only, staring back into his brown eyes.  
  
He hoped Andrew would say something.  
  
But he didn’t.  
  
And Neil’s leg began bouncing up and down, restless.  
Nervous.  
He wanted to leave this room.  
He hated being in this room.  
  
Suddenly Andrew stood up, looked at Betsy.  
  
‘Thank you for your time, Bee,’ he said.  
  
‘As always, it’s been my pleasure, Andrew,’ Betsy smiled back. ‘Good luck.’  
  
Good luck?  
Neil wondered why she’d said that for, but Andrew didn’t question it.  
With a few steps, he was out of the room, leaving Neil to quickly stand up to follow him.  
  
‘Neil,’ Betsy called behind him. ‘I know you don’t trust my word, seeing what my profession is, but if you have to trust me on one thing, trust me on this. You’ll never be no one, because he’ll never forget you. You’ve definitely left your mark.’  
She winked at him.  
‘It’s just not a visible, physical mark.’  
  
Did she just?  
  
Neil blinked.  
  
Then turned to run after Andrew.  
  
\--  
  
When he got into the car, Andrew immediately drove towards the Tower without saying another word to Neil.  
  
Not that Neil didn’t try.  
  
‘What happened?’  
  
But Andrew kept his eyes on the road and his mouth shut.  
  
\--  
  
With a slam, Andrew shut the car door then walked towards the entrance of the Tower.  
Neil had to jog to keep up.

‘Andrew?’  
  
But Andrew kept walking.  
Did not look back as he walked straight past the elevator,  
as he walked every tiring step,  
every staircase  
towards the  
roof.  
  
Neil’s footsteps faltered as he saw where they were going.  
  
It was as if a hand was clasped around his neck,  
squeezing.  
  
But it was Andrew’s hand on his wrist that pulled him towards the roof.  
  
Neil wondered if Andrew had finally lost his patience and was planning to fling Neil off the roof.  
Except Andrew released Neil’s wrist when they stood in front of the door.  
  
Without pausing, Andrew opened it and walked onto the roof.  
  
Neil watched him go, then decided he would not let him do this alone.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Neil walked onto the roof as well.  
  
\--  
  
Of course Andrew sat down on the ledge.  
  
‘Why is it that you can face this fear so head on?’ Neil sighed, as he inched closer to the ledge and carefully sat down.  
  
It wasn’t as bad as he’d expected it to be.  
His stomach was in knots, his throat felt tight, but there was no immediate panic.  
Could be because it was the middle of the day.  
  
Andrew didn’t look at him.  
But he started talking.  
  
‘The scariest part isn’t even the loneliness. Or the emptiness. Or even the-,’ Andrew paused. ‘It’s lying awake in bed at night, realizing that I’m lost.’  
Andrew’s eyes were staring unfocused at the ground far, far below them.  
‘It’s not even falling anymore. It’s way past that.’  
  
Neil didn’t breathe.  
  
‘I should push you off the ledge and end this. But.’  
Andrew turned to look at him.  
‘You’d only drag me with you.’  
  
The intense feeling that overcame Neil could only be  
_that_ feeling.  
That nearly threatened to choke him.  
But at the same time released the invisible hold on his throat.  
  
Neil had to look away, afraid that his emotions would show too plainly on his face.  
  
That it would be too much.  
  
But Andrew sighed.  
  
Two little taps against Neil’s wrist.  
  
A silent question, that Neil answered by moving his hand, palm open.  
Andrew grasped his wrist and brought it to his neck.  
Neil, understanding what Andrew wanted, pressed two fingers against Andrew’s neck.  
Felt his beating pulse.  
  
And Andrew leaned a little closer, his eyes focusing intensely on Neil, his grip on Neil’s wrist tightening almost painfully.  
  
‘This is yours,’ Andrew said. ‘Whatever it’s worth.’

Neil swallowed.  
  
‘I’ll never leave it behind.’  
  
Then he reached out and slowly grasped Andrew’s other hand.  
Brought it to his own neck.  
  
For a moment, they only listened to each other’s heartbeats.  
  
Then Neil asked,  
‘Do you still want nothing?’  
  
It seemed like forever before Andrew answered.  
Like he’d done so many times before.  
  
‘I’ll always want nothing.’  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOSH saying goodbye for the second time is SO HARD. 
> 
> And, aahh, I already miss writing Andreil.  
> But at the moment, I haven't really got any fleshed out fanfic ideas. Feel free to ask me little prompts on twitter or tumblr and when I have the time and inspiration, maybe I'll write something!  
> ( idnis.tumblr.com or @idnis9 )
> 
> ANYWAYS.
> 
> Thank you all so much for being here again, for reading my story again, and for supporting it! Your comments are truly precious to me and this story definitely wouldn't have gotten a sequel (or even have gotten finished) if it wasn't for you!!  
> So thank you so, so, so much <3 <3  
> Hopefully I'll see you again in the future :D


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